I don’t even know where to start

Monday 25th February

I woke up this morning feeling quiet optimistic about my 16 weeks scan today. However something in my head wondered if Rach, was going to be taking Maggie with her. I text to find out she was, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I didn’t want Maggies to be with us, so lucky Rach scrambled together someone to look after her, thank goodness. I was crying putting my make up on – no sure why, the fear of having to go to the scan myself, even sitting waiting for Rach to arrive I felt myself hold back tears.

I didn’t wait long to be seen, My consultant called me in almost instantly, and she took me straight to be scanned. As soon as little pip appeared on the screen my heart sank. Something didn’t feel right with the screen and baby was very still. My consultant was chatting away pointing out fingered and face, and then she started to take measurements. I wasn’t sure, was there a heart beat? There was she would have said if not. Baby was very still though, I have never had a still scan bar the one when Findley had died.

As the measurements appeared in the screen, it said 14weeks 1, and 13 weeks 3, etc, hold on I thought, this baby should be 16 weeks. What’s going on, so I asked speak to me, my consultant confirmed that baby was measuring small, and that the heart heart wasn’t very strong.

It was like someone pulled a trap door from under my feet, boom, I spiralled quickly back to the night I was told Findley had died. My head was spinning, I was shaking, how can this be happening to me again? How can my baby be dying, what did I do.

My consultant was really honest and explained that small baby or slow heart rate alone aren’t such a worry but both together is not a good sign. She told me that she wouldn’t be surprised if when she scanned me again babies heart has stopped beating. I went from sobbing to talking to crying , hello rollercoaster!!

As we sat waiting for the second scan, I swore I could feel pip flickering around, it felt like a dagger to the heart, but my baby is dying. I just was basically waiting for my baby to die.

My consultant came back through to see me at 1pm and said let’s scan you again now, I think a little bit of me hoped that baby would have woken up, but most of new what was coming. Those words, the ones I never ever though I would hear once, let along twice. “Sorry there is no heart beat”. That still picture in the screen, that motionless perfect little toot, hand over the face, legs curled up.

Okay what happens now, I think I was maybe the same when Findley died, what are the facts that lie ahead of me, please don’t tell me I have to give birth to another lifeless baby. Bingo right on the money I have to go through the whole process again. My god a stillbirth and a late miscarriage, what are the odds. So if I ever want to have more children (that’s is I even can) then a natural induction of miscarriage is the only way.

So I have been reminding myself constantly this is a miscarriage not a stillbirth. This is different 1in4 women suffer this, only 1in230 odd suffer still births, I have lots of friends who have had miscarriages and survived.

This time I have to do things differently, so, I am I have taken the first tablet and now I am staying in hospital until my miscarriage is complete, I have no idea when that will be, but I hope that is as smooth as Findleys induction.

I am in the nice suite in Rubislaw, but guess what in here, the speak we donate, donate in honour of my beautiful son. Fuck me, I never though I would actually use or need it!! I never thought I would ever be sitting in this ward again.

Right now it hurts like hell, I haven’t hardly spoken to anyone, when Findley died I phoned most people to tell them what had happened this time, I have text everyone. My friend Claire who lost her little boy Jack last year came to visit me, it was nice to speak to someone who has been through a loss. Steph took some clothes into me, and the midwife have been in and out.

My poor husband is off shore but hopefully will be here tomorrow morning. I feel so much for him right now, not being here, not able to help or hold me. He will be here soon, and we will be okay.

I am terrified of what is to come, but the miscarriage part, the aftermath of loss. That sad hopeless place that I once survived in, that darkness and pain, that came with the loss of our beautiful son. The depressions, what waves, the long take tunnel. The tears, the memories, the triggers. even walk down form the scan room to Rubislaw, I was instantly taken back to that night 38 weeks pregnant walking down to be scanned to confirmed Findley had died.

So what’s to come next? Will we survive, I wish this was a soap opera, I wish it wasn’t true, I wish I was some crazy women just making it all up. However I am not!!

one day at a time!

Tell me this though.. how was it today that little pip died, why the day of my scan, why when I saw the little flicker earlier the. I thing. Is it because I struggle so much with the fact that it took me nearly a day to realise Findley has died, this was to save me that heart ache?

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