Monday 18th February
I haven’t written in ages, I have written lots in my head, but if am honest I have been so tired, with being back to work it’s been emotional and exhausting. I have also been aware that I don’t want to be writing all the time about how shit work is, everyone has shit days at work.
I have figured out that work is a massive trigger and the night before I will have flash backs to the day Findley died, I have been working through it in chronological order, last night was the scan where they confirmed Findley had died, last week it was the ctg where they couldn’t find his heart beat. It doesn’t upset me as such, might sound stupid, but it does take me from nearly asleep to bolt upright awake.
I don’t know if it’s tied to this pregnancy also, because everything is happening at the same time. I find it hard to imagine what it will be like to take a baby home, I also find it hard not to compare the pregnancies.
So I am pretty sure I have started feeling movements am 15+weeks, so I didn’t start feeling movements with Findley until 19 weeks. I guess maybe I am just more aware. I already look like I did at 20 weeks with Findley, it’s all happening really fast. The last 11 weeks seem to have just disappeared. I had my midwife last week and I don’t see her again until 23 weeks, it’s extremely scary.
I think if you broke it down, I am 50% terrified and 50% excited, but I want to try and enjoy it, I also want other to enjoy it with me. Sounds strange but it’s not only me who has gone through the loss of Findley, it had major impact in lots of life’s.
I got a new car this week, I got a bigger car, after struggling with Katie’s car trying to get Seamus’s car seat in, I decided a bigger car would be nice, also easier to get in and out of, so now I feel like I have sent a message to the universe that I will take this little one home, but another part of me is like, please don’t take it that I am not still worried that history won’t repeat itself. Sound silly maybe but it make sense to me.
I am also starting to get the feeling of guilt, I constantly look over at Findley photos or look at my tattoo, and think I still love you, your still my first born, I won’t ever forget you.
So it’s still a roller coaster of a journey, but it’s easier, I have a lot more control over how I let things affect me. I think it easier because James is happy to speak about anything and always has a positive attitude. He said to our consultant that he is happy and excited, we have had the worst possible thing in the world happen to us, and we survived, we can drive anything.
I feel like I might have become a bit introvert, I haven’t made much of an effort to see or speak to people in the last few week, but I don’t know if that because am at work and am just tired or if it because am scared to see people, be judged, ask about my pregnancy.. who knows.
I said when we where trying again that I didn’t care what people think of us being pregnant again so soon, but turns out I kinda do, I just don’t want anyone thinking just because we are expecting baby law no2 doesn’t mean that Everything that happened with Findley dispenses, he still existed and always will. I have found many people don’t want to speak about him, and that’s okay, it says more about them than me.