Tuesday 5th February
Well I had my first 3 hours in work yesterday, I was feeling really confident, however quit quickly learned that my colleague that I have history with is a massive trigger.
As soon as I heard her voice, I was taken back to April last year 20 weeks pregnant stressed out my box feeling useless and helpless. I haven’t cried in a while, but seeing her really did trigger me, and I found myself in the bathroom sitting crying. I kept flashing back to when I was pregnant with Findley and sitting in the bathroom crying and hyper ventilating. I think I am very luck that the rest of my colleague are amazing, and I quickly managed to get myself together. The last thing I wanted to do was to make a seen. Mission failed! I am angry at letting myself get upset over it. There are so much more important people in my life that my tears are for.
I sat and thought about it for some time, and realise I am really angry about how my pregnancy was ruined at work by one person. I am upset that I feel like this is my second chance to enjoy my pregnancy at work. I know if Findley was here things would be different I would be at work fretting if my little man was okay at home, if I left the right stuff out for James and if he was coping without me there. However that’s not how it is, and I am full of bitterness and anger.
Within two hours of being at work I realised not a lot has changed, I still got spoken over the top of, but it’s didn’t anger me at all. It would have in the past, instead it just went over my head. Yes I noted it, of course I am observing how much has changed in people’s behaviour, but there was still one person trying to be top dog. Welcome back!
I fell really lucky that I have a good boss, but I must admit that I left the office after my 3 hours feeling like a browse of the vacancies won’t go a miss. I have spent a lot of energy on trying to work out the work issues, and I don’t think I actually have any energy or patience left for it. I think you want to behave like a twat carry on, am much more able to deal with your crap now. Actually not deal with, that’s not my job, but to process and ignore.
I really feel for my colleague, it has been a kick in the arse of a year without the tension that is created by our relationship, and here I am, one foot in the door and it back to how it was. Even I felt like you could cut the tension with a knife. Well let’s face it the last time we saw each other was sitting in a meeting with Some important people arguing, and me crying, I was 31 weeks pregnant, right before my first episode of reduced movement…
So I know this has nothing to do with why Findley died, but a little bit of my blames it, the stress during my pregnancy. I guess I have spent the last almost 7 months dealing with losing my son, and now I have to deal with all the other crap in the real world.
There is no escaping that this has to be sorted out, and that one way or another it will be. However it should have been dealt with before I went on maternity leave, and I will be surprised if it’s dealt with before I go on maternity leave again. I think because I am pregnant again I am in super protective mode, and currently do not want any stress, especially work related. I am pissed of that after everything that has happened I still feel this way!! I want it so much to be different. Maybe I just need to give myself time.
One another less moaning work related story, one of my warrior mums are currently being induced for their rainbow baby, I am so excited and I can’t wait to hear her news. She has been a rock and a fantastic support to me during my loss. I have no doubt that they will both be fine, funny I though I would worry about her, but in my heart she will be fine. She has a special angel looking over her and lots of people sending her good vibes.