Caught off guard

Saturday 2nd February 2019

I am just back from a few days away with James and the puppies to celebrate my birthday. It was nice to be away, we haven’t been away since just after Findley died.

I came across a few triggers, we stayed down near Dunkeld for James’s mums 60th in April, I was around 25 weeks pregnant then, and so happy, and oblivious to what was just a few week ahead of us. I managed them well, and although I wasn’t expecting them, I found it easy enough to just deal with them and back them away.

We went for a lovely lunch with the dogs on Friday in Aberfeldy, we had a nice walk up to the waterfalls near Dunkeld before hand. As I sat eating lunch, I looked behind James and saw a dad holding a baby, probably around 4/5 months old. No idea if it was a boy or a girl, but all of a sudden I remembered, that should be us too. It was a stab right in the heart, we should be trying to eat lunch whist keeping the dogs under control and a 6 month old entertained.

It was like I just remembered that we should have a 6 mounts old. Not for one minute do I ever forget I have a son and that he died, but I forget that I should have a 6 month old child. I didn’t say anything to James at the time, but I think he could tell by my face I was thinking something.

After lunch as we drove back to Dunkeld I said to James, and he agreed he was the same. It’s easier to not think about the what ifs and just think about the what was. I am ever so grateful for this pregnancy and happy to be on this journey, but not for one minute does it take away the pain that Findley died. I think it’s a coping mechanism to not think about how things could have been if Findley didn’t die. I don’t know if it healthy or normal or not. I just hope that Findley know how loved he is, and how much we wish he was hear with us.

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