Friday 25th January 2019
This journey is like one of those snakes that hide in the bushes then jump out and bit you when your not looking.
I haven’t forgotten about Findley but I speak much more freely of him now, much easier to keep myself composed, and not cry at the though of him not being here. I speak proudly and with honour.
I went for lunch with Katie and Seamus last week, was lovely, as Katie headed to get the cakes and coffee I sat and entertained Seamus. I said to him, your so precious, you are perfect and just like your daddy, you often remind me of how much is missing from my life, and what I don’t have, but that’s okay, because it’s important to remember the ones we have loved and lost. Just because we can’t see them walking next to us, doesn’t mean they aren’t still very much part of our lives. I am grateful for Seamus and Katie, I am not one bit jealous of what they have, but admire the strength Katie shows and her honesty of what motherhood is like.
I don’t wonder about the what could have been so much anymore. I don’t imagine what Findley would be like, I just remember him for who he was, how lucky I am to have such a precious angel to look over me.
My friend said to me today she’s worried she’s ill, and has been referred to a specialist she spoke about the fear of death. I asked her to promise me if she died she would help look after Findley. What a random thing to say to someone. I guess I am not the type of person now who will say oh no no no no one is dying, it’s a possibility for us all, I know deep down it’s not my friends time, and I hope she is back to fighting fit soon. I myself don’t fear death, I fear the death of the ones I love, especially my animal, don’t ask me why. I know that I have said it before, but it’s not my time yet, and when my time comes I won’t fear it, I will know that it is my time to see Findley again.
I really want to get my ashes to glass done, I keep over thinking it, what if I lose it, what if a bit of Findley is forever lost? Well I guess it’s just his way of going on a little adventure. I also need to get a small urn, I have decided I want to keep a little bit of his ashes, not them all, gosh who knows what him and what’s his teddies. I said I would have a shrine to him, but I do, and I don’t care, he is very much part of our house hold. I sometimes wonder if it every makes other people feel uncomfortable, pictures of our dead baby posted randomly around the house. Then I think, do I care no!
I am defiantly on social media more these days, mostly silent snooping, I dont really post much, but looking back at the last 6 months, I regret slightly the crazy cull of friends I did. When Findley died I asked everyone to raise a glass to him, and my Facebook feed was full of friends celebrating my son, I now feel bad I have lost touch with so many of them. However how to you rekindle those friendships? I have changed so much over the past 6 months. I am no longer the person I was before. My therapist said to me the other day am unique, I don’t really know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but she agreed I am not the same person, losing Findley has made me realise who I am, and what is important to me. I no longer have the fight for stupid people. i also understand myself so much better now.
I return to work on the 4th February, I visited work this week and spent 2 hours speaking to me colleagues, I spoke openly about Findley what happened and how I am doing, one colleague hugged me and I just started to cry. I can’t even pin point the trigger, maybe Its because she has never given me a hug before, I have no idea. I felt they were truly happy to see me there. To see I had survived and I stood before them still me, even if I am a bit rounder and a lot greyer than I was before.
However I am also worried about returning to work, I have once massive chip on my shoulder for how one member of staff treated me when I pregnant, I blame them for ruining my pregnancy at work, and for the stress they placed on me, during what should have been one of the happiest times of my life. It was one long hellish journey. I actually hate this person, and I don’t use that word lightly. The thought of them makes my skin crawl, I fear for how I will react when I have to come face to face with them, because it’s going to happen one day soon. I wonder if I will freeze, or if I will speak my mind. However one thing I pride myself on is being professional, and I won’t let that slip for anyone. I guess time will tell, but I actually feel my bloody pressure rise thinking about it all. I wonder if they feel any remorse for what they put me through, till the day I left work for maternity leave they would not acknowledge how their behaviour affected me, it was all in my head and one big made up story.
Let’s face it, it’s make or brake, if I can’t control this emotion it’s going to make work 100 times worse, but I don’t think I can forgive them, ever. I think my return and ultimate face to face encounter with this person will guide the rest of my career. If I can’t control how I feel, and over come my emotions then I will have no choice but to move forward with my life into a different direction. This is my choice I will pick which path I follow. Part of me wants to be honest and explains how I feel to them , but because of past experiences I feel I will be wasting my breath. They say you can’t teach old dogs new tricks. I sometimes think what would Findley think, and I then think I should let it go, for my own sanity, however for my own sanity I don’t know if I can. It’s almost like if I do, I am not sticking up for myself, I have let bullies walk all over me all my life, I have never felt good enough, and I am good enough. Time will tell….