Born – to exist

17th January 2018

My dearest little man,

Forget the little card that should sit next to you saying, today I am 6 months old, today I can’t even think of what should have been, all I can think of is what was.

It’s been 6 months since I last held you, 6 months since I first met you, 6 months since I last smelt you, 6 months since I last touched you, 6 months since I last seen someone look down and adore you, 6 months since you where born.

Definition of the word born

adjective

1. existing as a result of birth

Definition of the word stillborn

1. (of an infant) born dead.

The two words to exist but to be dead, you will always exist. You will never be forgotten. I feel bad for those who never got to know you, I knew you, your personality, your cheeky ness, you hiccups, your every movement, we share that bond, no one else shares that bond.

I look back at your photos and your not as I remember, I have created a Findley in my head who is now 6 months old, you look so different, like a little man. It scares me, can I forget what you looked like? That little nose like your dad, dark hair, and long fingers. I only spent one night looking at it, but I tried so hard to remember it, tracing it over and over again. That little button nose.

I miss you very much, every day I think of you, I know I ask a lot, I ask you to watch over me and keep us all safe. I know you will always walk beside me.

I just hope you know, you are gone but you are never forgotten. You are not a disaster, or something to get over, you are firmly part of are family, our passed and our future.

Every first since you have died has made me think of you. It’s the things that take me off guard that hurt the most, so many triggers you may never think of, so many things that remind me of you.

You are never here but, you always will be here.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mummy xx