Tuesday 15th January
So today I had my occupational health meeting to discuss how I am doing and getting back to work.
It went okay but if I am being honest it brought up some difficult memories especially around my work stress prior to Findley being born. I would like to start a scratch and for get it all, but deep down I feel it contributed to my difficult 3rd trimester the stress at work created mainly by one person. It’s a bitter feeling, and it’s not like me to hold a grudge but I seem to be struggling to shift the feeling of blame.
One thing that angers me is that I knew that this is what it would feel like to go back, even thought I wasn’t expecting Findley to die, my work place issues hadn’t been resolved before I went on to maternity leave, even though I tried from about 20 weeks, which meant that going back was never ever going to be easy, never mind adding the bereavement aspect to it all. No one could have written that into my story.
My person perception of my work situation was that I was being bullied, not physically but emotionally. I always felt like I was watching my back, I am actually really good at my job, so yeah sometimes we all make mistakes, but I actually don’t mind that, as long as I am able to learn from them. This wasn’t about making mistakes, it was about making me look bad, and feel inadequate. Personally because I feel like I might have been a threat but that just my feelings.
I have to remind myself that this is all up to me and I no one can make me feel something I don’t already. It’s just how do you get that person to understand how their actions make you feel? Not that they mean to make you feel like that.
So from going from feeling like I was looking forward to returning to work, I now am Slightly worried about controlling my emotions. I have zero tolerance for work related stress, so I must find a way to manage it all.
I have a few more weeks to sort my head out but I guess now the count down to return to work is officially started. 4th February seems like ages away but it’s only short of 3 weeks. The bonus I guess is that James will be home.
I always feel bad for being off work, I have never been one for a sick note until now, but I have to remind myself that this time off is required and what I have been through is life changing, I can’t predict that anything is going to be the same again.