31st December 2018
It’s been 24 weeks since Findley died somethings around 170day. Am not sure where time has gone.
I am really struggling with saying goodbye to 2018, the though of moving into another year without my baby boy here, is very difficult. It’s also taking me further away from the last day I held him.
People probably think it’s silly, many people have said here is too a better 2019. Yes I do hope we find more luck in 2019, but I still can’t say I would like to forget 2018, I know I have said it before but, it’s the year I became a mum, the year I met my son, and the year I made some amazing new friends. People I was so obviously meant to meet and be in my life. People who without them, an not sure how this journey would have gone.
So it’s scary for me to move out of the worst and best year of my life so far, am scared that as time passes my memories will fade, I guess they have to that’s how the pain fades a little, am scared that other people will start to forget about Findley, I will never ever forget my son, but it’s not the same for others.
I went into work this week just to say hi, my plan is to return in late January, all going well. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, I was made to feel super welcome and I do miss work. I know it’s going to be hard but it just feels right. I just hope people don’t forget we have a son. It’s probably one of my silly things because I also don’t want to be known for the women who had a still birth. However realistically the trauma that come along side losing a child really has stamped me for life.
I said to my work colleagues, I will never forget Findley or get over the loss of my son, however life move forward, grief isn’t a place you can stay forever, you have to let life move you on.
So what’s next, what will next year be like? I have no idea, in my head it’s full of joy and hope, but I will also carry Findley with me. I want to continue to do things for him, it’s the only way I can keep him alive, I know he’s with me, his little bit of his heart filling some of the whole left in mine.
So tonight I am not staying up for the bells, I am going to go to my bed and wake up in another year, realistically it’s only s change in date. It doesn’t really mean anything.