Findley First Christmas

Tuesday 25th December

Today just feel like another day without Findley here, I thought it would be different, more difficult, but it wasn’t. Which worries me, is there something wrong with me?

I went on to Facebook and saw lots of my friend first Christmas baby posts, and how happy and amazing they where, and I am genuinely happy for them, I don’t grudge them their happiness one little bit, several of my friends have suffered miscarriage or infertility and have had to go through IVF, why would I ever grudge them their first Christmas with their babies.

We have had a really quiet day, we got up, had breakfast, went to Findley memorial, and placed a beautiful bauble that Fiona gave us, we walked the dog, play the PlayStation, made lunch and chilled out. A little bit of me wanted to cry when we where in the cemetery and someone said merry Christmas to us, but that what for me, how sad it was we were standing there at our baby boys memorial. When er walked the dogs, I imagined how it should be Findley in his pram or carrier, gurgling away, but it’s just not how it is, and I have to just live with that, for the rest of our life.

I lite a candle today and have let it burn all day, I also lite a candle at our table as we ate for Findley, what else can I do, he’s not here, he’s in heaven with all our family who have passed, being spoilt rotten.

I even watched the greatest showman the song “this is me” we played at Findley’s funeral, I still didn’t cry. You know what I did when the song came on, I smiled, Okay maybe a little tear, but it just reminds me, that this is our journey, and this is it, I can’t change it, go back in time and rescue Findley.

I have avoided speaking to anyone though, I haven’t had my normal phone call to my grandparents, and I only spoke to my mum briefly at the cemetery. James has gone to see his mum, but am happy just to be myself, I just want a peaceful day, just a day to reflect, it’s maybe really selfish but if it’s how we survive then who says what’s right and wrong.

I know that there will be other members of my family who will miss Findley today, there are no right or wrongs in this journey , it’s just waves for everyone to ride.

Findley first Christmas was not how we had planned this time last year, but it won’t stop me from dreaming, it won’t stop me from hoping and praying, it won’t stop me from living. The only thing I can do, it keep doing what am doing and carry Findley with me

So merry Christmas to everyone, especially to those who aren’t with their loved ones today.

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