Twas the night before Christmas

24th December 2018

Ask me two months ago, how I felt about Christmas and I would have just burst into tears. The thought of this magical family time without my son made me fall to my knees. Then need to protect myself from the trigger was so great, that I just didn’t even want to think of it. However as the days have ticked past I find myself starting to think of Christmas as not such a painful time, but a time to remember and rejoice.

We have done as much as we can to carry Findley with us this last 23 weeks, and I will continue to the rest of my life. We got a little rubber stamp made with Findley foot prints on it and I used it to send cards to family members from Findley, to uncles and aunties and grannies and grandads. I have bought presents from Findley to James, I realised a few days ago I haven’t even got one under the tree from me to James. I guess that’s what happens when you have kids.

The kindness of friends has also been overwhelming, the fact people have gone out of their way to remember Findley, with baubles and cards. It’s such a nice feeling to know that it’s not just us that are trying to make sure he is never forgotten. After all this is his first Christmas too.

I imagine I would have been reading him Christmas stories and i am sure he would have been more interested in the twinkly lights, that anything else. It’s so sad he’s not here, stealing everyone’s hearts with his little my first Christmas outfit. Instead we do everything we can to keep his memory alive, the fear of him being forgotten scares me. However I think now that there are so many lives he touched he will never be forgotten.

So here’s to see what tomorrow brings, hopefully a gentle day for all, definitely a quiet one for us.

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