Wednesday 12th December
So I have been venturing on to Facebook a little more, today I looked at my “this day” memories, and on it was my 2018 recap video. Now I don’t know if it self harm, or curiosity but I wanted to watch it. I didn’t put much about my pregnancy on Facebook, so I knew there wouldn’t be masses, but there it was “keep calm we are having a baby this month” followed by a post for baby loss awareness, and a photo of Findley’s feet in black and white.
It’s so grounding seeing that, reminds me just how oblivious I was to the loss that faced me just days away. It still sits in my head like a movie I watched rather than something that actually happened to us. Although I know that happened, I know he’s not here with us.
We are in Skye just now, unfortunately for a family funeral, but I still find myself thinking how sad it is Findley isn’t here with us. I though once we arrived we should have taken a little bit of him with us to scatter. James family are form Skye, James announced he had though of this, but decided that it would be nicer to do it another time, as this visit is sad enough.
We went for a walk along the sea front through some woods, I found myself with my arm down at my side imaging Findley holding onto my arm. I know he would still be far to small to walk along side me, but I guess it’s just how my mind works. I turned to see James walking behind me and imagined him with a baby carrier strapped to his front. How it all should be, and how it is all so not how we had imagined.
I find it so very hard to remind myself that we had a funeral for our son, that I was pregnant, I gave birth to him and held him in my arms. It’s all memories that hurt very much. I don’t think I live in denial, but I certainly don’t want to relive the sad memories over and over again, I want to remember the good times too, the times when I smiled and laughed. When our hearts melted looking at our little baby on the black and white ultrasound, instantly in love.
I am not sure how it will feel to be attending a funeral again, I feel I may have my barrier up high, and try to protect myself, but I also keep remind myself today isn’t about me, or how I feel, this is about my family, and supporting each other through the sad times. James has been such an amazing rock through our loss, it’s my turn to try and be a rock for him. I know that Findley will will be with us, and keep us strong. Never under estimate the power within.