Monday 10th December
So this is another one of my odd blogs, I haven’t received many Christmas cards so far this year, but the ones I have, don’t have Findley on them. I guess it’s like that weird thinking of mine, when I wanted people to send us congratulations cards when Findley was born.
It’s like when I was on the train coming back from Edinburgh two men sat down across from me, really nice friendly guys been on a works day out. They chatted away and then they asked me, do you have children. I panicked for a second, what so I say, easy answer no, then no questions etc, no awkward silences, but how could I not acknowledge my son. Am sitting there thinking I can’t, I can’t not acknowledge him, he might have been stillborn, but he was still born, he it real, I held him in my arms. So I say very calm and collected, well yes, I have a son, but he died, I don’t have any living children. Quickly I said please don’t be sorry, it’s hard and sad but it’s life, and it’s not always as we would want it. Their response didn’t surprise me, they said one of there colleagues had recently lost their baby too. It’s the sad but real world we live in.
So my point when his name isn’t on our Christmas cards, it feels like he’s not being acknowledged. I guess to some this is really strange but to others they will understand. I want my son to live on, I want him every Christmas, birthday celebration to be remembered. I will always do my best to put his name on a card. I guess am sorry not sorry, am sorry if it makes people feel sad, but am still not sorry for doing it. I Will always acknowledge him.
I can’t wait till we have our rainbow because I will tell them all about their older brothers, I want to make sure Findley is never eve forgotten. He will be on our family tree, he will forever be part of our family.
It comes back to people are worried they upset us, we can’t be reminded our baby died, Seeing Findley’s name on a card might bring a tear to my eye, but it’s not going to be from sadness, but from the joy that someone else remembers him.
So that’s my random blog for today, I guess everyone will be different, I have some friends I have made in the journey who have ripped up Christmas cards as they don’t want them, They don’t want to celebrate Christmas and they don’t want to be reminded that this time of year, should have been happy and joyful, and it’s not.
Claire a very wise friend of mine said something, and it just made it all click into place. She said Jan, do you want to look back on this year and remember it as the year you never put a Christmas tree up, she right I don’t want to, there has been enough sadness, Findley deserves a tree, and to be remember and to be carried along in our celebrations as much as possible.
Anyway I guess each individual is different and I just have to accept that, and also that people really don’t know what to do for the best, I guess I just always bear the below in mind.