Day 80 – The letter

Tuesday 2nd October

80 days since your heart beat last for this world Little man. I am not sure where the time has gone.

Today the final report into Findley’s death landed on my door mat. I have had the draft for a few months but reading Words on the front of the envelope took my breath away. If I am honest I haven’t read the draft properly, and I haven’t opened the letter that arrived today. I know what it says it says they should have done things differently and and they didn’t follow the national guidelines for reduced movement. This is not what killed Findley but it might have been what saved him.

How do you as a mother read those words and not cry. The report into the review of your sons death. I have no idea how I survive this shit but I seem to. Of course James is away this week. I think I must have known that this was coming as I have been thinking a lot about what should have happened with my care, I have to remind myself that none of it can make any of this any different now. I can’t sit and think about the what ifs. They don’t bring Findley back. I text Rach today before I even got this letter saying, I was thinking about how they could have saved my son. I still really struggle with the fact I couldn’t keep him safe. Then I have to remind myself I didn’t do anything wrong. However they did, and I hate the fact that because of this I am left with the what ifs.

I don’t really want to be consumed by this, I keep trying to think that things should be better by now, truth be told I don’t think the pain will ever get any better, I don’t think my mind will ever let the memories ease. I just hope that as time passes I will learn how to cope.

I worry that I will, in future struggle to trust Heath professionals when it comes to any pregnancy care. I am angry at them there is no doubt, luckily my new consultant is fantastic and I know when the time comes she will look after us, I also have the added bonus of the though that Rach will deliver our rainbow baby, she won’t get a choice, I wouldn’t trust anyone else. Isn’t it a shame that the actions of one person can effect your perception on an organisation.

I work for the health broad that Findley was born in, I am scared to the core that the pressure upon the NHS are putting people at risk. I know that it wasn’t a cause of Findley death but the way we were treated the second time we attended with reduced movement, I feel was contributed to by the lack of staff. What will it take before the sort out the NHS? Maternity service where I live are already under horrendous pressure, sort staffed, and the ones that are there are over worked and tired.

I hope that writing down how I feel truly about it will help me to deal with it better. I need to learn how to cope with the mistakes that might have saved my sons life, living with anger and resentment is not healthy. I know this all to well.

I saw my first rainbow today since Findley died, I was down at the horses and as mum arrived back from her lesson I looked up and saw it, it was there and gone with a blink of the eye. A sign that there is still light after a storm. As the darkness clears and the light return a beautiful rainbow appears. It’s always darkest before the dawn, my friend Barry used to use these words, sadly he died a few years ago. I wonder if he found Findley, he would definitely be proud of the gorgeous boy we created.

There is no doubt my my head that if we can survive this, we can survive anything that life has to through at us. This journey can only make us stronger.