Day 79 – Monday blues

Monday 1st October

I can not believe it’s October. Where has the last months gone.

I woke up this morning feeling sad, it’s the first time in a while since I have done this, the kind of sad where I wonder what the point Of my life is now Findley isn’t here. I am a mum, I should be sleep deprived with an upside down house. Everyday should contain a new first of motherhood, not a new first of life after Findley.

I have a busy day ahead of me. However I don’t even know if I can be bothered with any of it. I think when James goes away I probably allow myself to fall a little, to grieve a little deeper, I am sure we protect each other when we are together.

It’s still such easily says in our journey, it’s not even been 3 months since Findley died, but there is something about entering the month where he was conceived that reminds me again how much he was wanted and still is. The path to ttc was a difficult one for us, with James working away it was soul distorting never being able to to be together at the right time. Hoping a praying that one day we would be able to extend our family. I remember lying in bed one night imagining what it must feel like to be pregnant, and when a privilege it must be. To grow another person to feel them flourish within you.

I now wonder if people with children who have been the lucky ones not to suffer an loss to their family, realise the hurt and pain that 1 in 4 families safe. I think do you really know how lucky you are?

I believe deeply that everything happens for a reason, I don’t believe it’s gods will to take a baby, but I always have said that things happen for a reason. I just have no idea the reason that Findley is not her.

I had a fun session with Claire this morning at pilates, I proper belly laughed, it pulled my right out of my funk before meeting Katie and Seamus for lunch. I actually wasn’t worried about meeting Katie today, Friday was so easy to hold Seamus, and interact with him, and listen to how Katie was doing as a mummy. Today was not easy, as soon as we walked into the cafe i disappeared under the waves, as I walk along side Katie pushing her Pram with her gorgeous little boy snoozing away, it reminded me so much of what is missing from my life, and how it should be, I couldn’t even hold a conversation with Katie, I couldn’t listen to what she was saying and I couldn’t answer what she was asking me. I struggled so much to watch another baby in the cafe with there mum being cuddled, and fed. I try so hard to just keep my shit together, I desperately want to leave but I can’t just get up and walk out, I wish I had, because I just start to cry, it’s all consuming I just miss my little boy so much, why did he have to die, why is he not safe here with me? I quickly pull it together I am glad to have an excuse to leave, I have reflexology today, I am in need of some pampering. I guess it’s just another first, I don’t know if I am brave or stupid. I love Katie so much, I am so fearful that our paths no longer run together. Is this a time for me to step back? I just don’t know, I have to figure out the easiest way for me to survive.

I head to Inverurie and nip to Morrison’s, I hate shopping it still really scares me, I grab what I need to survive the next day and leave. I am looking forward to Reflexology, but I am already crying walking up the hill. I had text Katie to apologise and she had replied telling never to worry about putting a brave face on for her, she can take the goods with bad. I know she can but I wonder if I can? I don’t put a brave face on for her, I think I put it in for me. I want to be able to survive, I want to be able to love, I want to be able to be happy, I want to be able to be happy for others.

My reflexology session have always been really relaxing, my reflexologist also does reiki, she works on energy. When she starts working, I don’t know what she did but I feel like she has just touched my soul. I can feel myself starting to cry, and I hear the therapist catch her breath. All of a sudden i can see Findley as I lie there with my eyes shut. His is still inside me, his little head sitting in my pelvis, his naked body in my womb, he’s so pink, I think he is alive, then I am in westburn ward with reduced movements. I am there but not there I am shouting at them to induce me, I am telling them my baby is going to die, don’t ignore me. Why are they not listening to me. Hold hell it hurts, don’t cry, don’t cry, I wipe away my tears that are forming in my eyes. I try and put it out of my mind and enjoy my session, I feel like I am almost asleep at one point, I think of my tattoo i am getting on Saturday. when The therapist finished she asks me how my session was, and I just start to cry, ugly snot cry, what the actual hell. My therapist explains to me she’s accessing areas of grief, she says it’s like waves of me letting go. Well that’s wasn’t particularly the nice relaxing session I had hopped for.

Once I get to my car, I realise that I have been trying so hard to allow myself to be happy, that I have forgotten to allow myself to be sad. Have I been spending so much time trying to move my life forward to protect myself I have just packed my sadness into the back? This journey is incredible difficult, any time I think I am doing well all of a sudden my feet are taken out from under me, and I am back at the bottom of the ladder again. Will I ever be able to remove myself from the circle? How can this possible be my life forever? How is it possible for this pain to be this strong for the rest of my life? How do people survive, I am so sick of just surviving. People say to me that’s a other day past, way what a fab way to live!

I know that I cope with this journey better as time goes on, but it’s true this pain is never going to go away or ease, the death of a child is life consuming, but I will continue to find ways of coping with it.