Day 78 – love letter

Sunday 30th September

My darling Findley,

It’s been 11 weeks since your heart stopped beating for this world. It breaks my heart to think about how you were taken from us. No a minute goes by when I don’t have you in my thoughts. I speak about you every day, to anyone who will listen.

I want you to know how sorry I am that I couldn’t keep you safe, it was the only time in your like when you really were completely reliant on me, I failed to welcome you to this world with a cry. Please know I would do anything to have you here. I imaging you would be a happy little man, my life would have been devoted to your ever whim. I would give up everything and anything for you.

Daddy has a new job, I am so proud of him, he is so excited, and it has given him something to focus on. I know how proud he is of you, we still speak about you every day. He left today to go to Denmark, I love that I know he will be home on Friday night. I know he missed you very much.

I am trying so hard to make this time you have given me worth while, I know you can see me sitting knitting baby hats. Little rainbow baby hats, for all the rainbow babies out there. I feel bad that I never learnt to knit for you, but there were so many granny’s and great granny’s who knitted for your and your auntie Aileen. I am going to knit a rainbow blanket for your brother or sister when the time is right. Until then I have plenty time to practice. I hope I can make something to give back to Rubislaw too, your little cardy and blankets are so precious to us.

Your story has raised over £4.5k for Rubislaw ward, Rach has asked Angela to phone me so I can speak to her about what best they need for the unit. They where so amazing when we where there. I don’t know if you stayed for long and watched how much dignity and respect, not to mention love that the staff had for you.

I hope you have found Lauchlan and Tinks to plays with, their mummy’s are wonderful people. They have been a great support to me, they are wonderful warrior mummy’s also. I hope in my heart that you are happy and smiling, blowing spit bubbles at Great Granny, she will keep you safe. I often imagine you in her arms, she has her blue apron on, and her teeth in her pocket. I don’t think she would put you down much, you will be too precious to her.

I hope you hear me when I speak to you, I often wonder if you are here with me. It gives me comfort to know your not alone. You will never be alone, just you remember my beautiful baby boy, you have that little bit of my heart with you where ever you go. That’s how I now I always take a little bit of you with me, because mummy could survive if you hadn’t left a little bit of your heart to replace the bit you took.

I miss you away, I wish I could cuddle you, and kiss you, feed you and tuck you in your bed. There are so many more things to come that I won’t get to do for you, know I will always think what it would be like to still have you here. I will always imagine what it would be like to have you lying here next to me, how Rosie would lick your face and steal your toys, and how Robbie would protect you, even if it did wake you up from your nap.

Night night my special man,

Love you to the moon and back,

Mummy xoxoxoxox