Day 77 – The future

Saturday 29th September

Today has be a sad day for me, I saw my one of my soul sister pack her belongings into a van and move house. It’s bitter sweet, she’s starting a new chapter in her life, but for some reason I am finding it hard to imagine what she is having to go through. I feel terrible for being upset as I want to be supportive not upset, there is just something about it, it’s the end of something. I maybe just can’t handle ends still, even if it really doesn’t affect me.

Life is just never going to be the same again, this scares me still, I don’t really know what every day will bring. I still cry every day, I cry for what I have lost and what should be. I often find myself forgetting that I was pregnant and that Findley died, just for a second, it leaves my mind, then with that same though it comes hurtling back, like a brick. I often also find myself day dreaming about my pregnancy I had, that feelings, the happiness, I do wonder if that happiness will ever return.

I am so glad I embarrassed my pregnancy with Findley, I have so many pump photos, so may videos of him kicking away and rolling around. I am so glad that all these memories are here forever. My other soul sister, a fellow warrior mummy who lost her little boy, said to me today about all the first that still are to come. I haven’t really thought past the impending future, the anniversary of finding out we were pregnant, after months of waiting to see those lines, and Christmas. I chose not to look to far ahead because the future scares me, there is still so much pain to come. No matter how much I try and protect myself from it, I know that all those first, first Christmas, first birthday first mothers day, these will all be difficult, heart breaking reminders of what we have lost, nothing will ever replace our angel babies, having more family won’t take any of the pain away.

I have realised recently how much I am a person that always wants to please people, how I want to be liked, because if I am not liked I am not worth anything. I know this comes from my childhood and the way that I was treated versus how my brother was. I fear rejection, that I am not good enough. I know that I am worthy and that I am good enough but weather or not my subconscious will believe this or not is another question. I have already found myself being stronger, and thinking about me. I now find myself saying, stop worrying about how your actions affect others and think about how the affect you. It comes back to that question about being selfish again, but you know what, I spent far to much of my adult life worry about how my actions will affect someone else and what they might think of me, instead of just thinking about how it will affect my life and my happiness. So I ask everyone when they worry about something they have done and the reaction of others, does it really matter as long as your happy? Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Let everything else fall into place.