Day 76 – Seamus cuddles

Friday 28th September

I am so grumpy tonight, I am hoping that this is a good sign that it’s a bit of PMS, I am shattered, didn’t sleep well last night. Feel super short tempered. Poor James.

I have had a good few days, busy out on the bike and having some chill time. It’s been nice, I find my own company enjoyable now a days, however I do enjoy spending time with others too. A nice balance makes for a happy life.

Today I met Laura for a bike run, it was nice to get out again, a bit of a brighter day that the day before with some of the cycle girls. Very wet and wild! We went to Alford Bistro for lunch, it’s a vivid reminder of weekend Findley died, James and I went out for tea on the Friday. I was so very pregnant and I remember having to go to the bathroom a few times. It’s not the to can’t go there or anything but it’s just maybe a small trigger. It’s the remember the happiness that was there, that ignorance that anything could go wrong, having no idea that in 48 hours our baby would be dead.

I arranged to meet Katie and Seamus today for coffee and cake. I am definitely nervous, the last time I saw Seamus properly was very emotional. It wasn’t how it should be Katie and I should be swapping baby stories and pushing our prams together. I am worried about meeting her, I am not sure how it will feel when I sit down with them for a coffee. I am so scared that he will be a constant reminder of what should be and what I don’t have. I said to Katie I am so worried about losing the friendship that we have built over the past few months. She remind me regularly that, this is just the start of our journey and not the end. I also have to go and pick up Findley’s name tag from the undertakers. It’s the one that was on his little ankle when he was born. It had taken me sometime to build up to go back. the last time I was in the restrooms was to visit my baby boy for the last time, I don’t think I have made my afternoon particularly easy for myself.

Seeing Wendy at the restrooms isn’t as emotional as I thought. I tired really hard not to let the wave come over me, I haven’t seen Wendy since a few days after Findley’s celebration when she dropped his ashes off. I was still trying to be strong back then. I feel I have to thank her for everything she did for our family. I never really got to tell her how much it meant for her to be the one that took my little boy away for the hospital. I tell her how much easier it was for me that I handed Findley to her, even though she was a complete stranger, it made it much easier. We both have tears in our eyes as I tell her. She’s a lovely person, kindness and care oozes from her. I feel very lucky to have had Wendy as part of our journey with a Findley.

I headed straight from there to see Katie, she was running late so we rearranged to meet at her house. I don’t have much time to think about it all before I am knocking on her door. I so miss seeing Katie shes so much fun, she’s so happy and always makes me smile. She’s busy apologising for her house and trying to make me tea, I reassure her, Katie it’s me, stop stressing, I take Seamus off her so she can sort herself a drink. The last time I held him was heart breaking, this time is completely different. He’s grown so much, he grown his personality and it’s shining through. He watches his mum and she’s moves around the kitchen chatting to me. I no longer associate Seamus with Findley, they don’t look anything alike and he’s no longer a new born baby. He’s only 8 weeks old, but he’s stronger and wriggly. It’s not anything Findley ever was, I enjoy having a good cuddle with the little man. I feel a massive sense of relief as I realise that every time I see Katie and Seamus isn’t going to be painful. I had such a fear that I wouldn’t be able to see them and be part of their lives.

I am sure as time passes there will be times when I see Seamus and realise what is missing for my life is right in front of me, but, i guess this will be part of my healing and grieving process. I know as time passes I will still have those moments when I think, this should be Findley taking his first steps, saying his first words, learning to say mummy and daddy, but that’s okay, and I know I will cry, I know the waves will wash over me, but I think I have come to accept that this is part of my journey, and it’s okay, it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to let the grief consume me.

One other things I did today, I took down Findleys scan photos, i have been thinking about it for days now, and I decided it’s time. I left up his 4D scab photos and of course we have lots of photos of Findley around the house. The are now safely in a lovely box that was gifted to us by Fern. I know one day I will be putting more scan photos up, when the time is right. It will come.

I feel life moving forward, I think I am around the wall now, I have found my path, and am slowly walking it.