Tuesday 25th September
Today I took max out for a cycle, and I didn’t fall off!! There the first positive of the day.
So the not falling isn’t the biggest positive Of the day, today I joined one of the Insch cycle ladies for a cycle (am going to call her Sophie but this is not her actually name). This was someone who didn’t know me before Findley. She has no idea who I used to be, and she also doesn’t know Findley’s story. I woke up feeling a little bit nervous, a little bit deflated but confident around going. I always think I have a good sense of people, I had met them at a cycle maintained evening Fiona and Jo had organised, I knew Fiona speaks very highly of Sophie, and Fiona is a good judge of people also. I got a good feeling from the bike maintained session. I spent the last 2 and a half months trying to protect myself, however I must be starting to think I don’t need to protect myself any more, I got this.
So I am wondering how do you bring up your dead son to someone you don’t even know? I am I guess assuming in my head that Fiona will have told Sophie about Findley dying. I am hoping something comes up I guess, I wonder deep down if it does come up, if I will have the strength and confidence to speak about him.
Before I leave to meet Sophie I take the dogs out for a walk and bump into Claire one of my horse family, she had a little girl this year, unplanned and she arrived 10 weeks early. I remembered worrying about her little girl, now I feel how much of a worry if must have been having her baby in neonatal not sure of her future. It must be so hard for her to meet someone who planned their baby carried to full term and their baby died. I can’t imagine being in that position. I am really happy for her and her little girl, she’s a fantastic mum. She didn’t bring up Findley she asked how I was doing and I know by her tone she really did mean, how are you doing after losing you baby boy. I managed to bring Findley up and chat about him, about the past and the future, also about how life is just now. She genuinely cared and was willing to listen to me chat for as long as I wanted, I found my voice wobbling now and again, wondering if I was going to cry, but I didn’t. I think this was maybe a nice arm up, as it was my first unplanned meeting of someone I know, who I haven’t seen since Findley died. How silly does this all sound, but it’s just amazing how much this journey brings challenges that you would have never though about before.
So back to how do you tell someone you don’t know about the worst and best time of your life, I guess it easy to just say nothing? I had already done this earlier in the week, I had the opportunity to speak about Findley to a complete stranger, but I chose not to. It annoyed me after, why did I not feel confident to tell someone about Findley, because I didn’t want the awkward conversation? I want to share his story, that’s partly why I write this blog. However giving the opportunity I chose to say nothing. Today I wondered if I would do the same, although it might be harder to skirt round about it.
One of the first question that Sophie asked me was how long have you be cycling, well that gave me an opening, I explained I had bought Fiona’s bike but then found out I was pregnant, so I only got a few cycles before I wasn’t able to go out anymore. Well I have opened the can, but I wondered how I would let the “worms out”. We head out and Sophie says how nice it is to have company, I explain that I am happy to join her any time. I took a deep breath and realised this was my Opportunity, so I took it, I said I don’t know if Fiona has told you or not, but my son died in July, so I am free a lot of the time just now if you are looking for company . Wow that was easier than I thought it would be, and of course I had judge her character correctly, she was lovely, she listened to me chat about Findley, about having more family and even felt comfortable to ask questions, I love when people ask me question about my little boy. It felt amazing to be able to have the confidence to speak about Findley to a stranger. They aren’t a stranger any more that’s for sure.
Another first ticked off, and not an easy one, I wonder if this will help to slowly build in my social anxiety. I know I am scared, things scare me, silly things that you probably wouldn’t even think about. The things that should scare me don’t any more, like death.
I realised that I have always been scared, in my life I have been afraid of things, afraid of allowing myself to be happy, afraid of putting myself first, and afraid of not being liked , afraid of upsetting people. I have always been someone that gives and doesn’t expect much back, but then I get annoyed. I definitely am not that person anymore. F**k what anyone else things of who I am and what I do, this is my life, don’t like it, bye. Life is to short to spend it being scared, afraid and worried.