Sunday 23rd September
Wow I and believe we made it, 10 weeks today since Findley died, where did 10 weeks go to? I survive still, I stand tall still, I am doing my baby boy proud.
The other day Rach messaged me to say she had been working in Rubishlaw, seeing her write that instantly made me flash back to the night I was in labour with Findley, it was an unbelievable wave of emotion. From the darkest of heart break to the deepest of love. The night I got to meet my little boy, I will never forget it, I will forever be indebted to Rach for delivering my baby boy. I wish I could say safely into this world, but that was out with her control. She made that night so special, I cannot imagine having had some random stranger deliver my still baby.
My devoted reader will have noticed there is no day 70 on my blog. That’s because I didn’t feel the need to write yesterday.
Yesterday was a strange kind of day, for the first time since Findley died I took the time to go though his memory box from SiMBA properly. This is a beautiful box we got from Rubislaw that is put together by the charity SiMBA, there was a beautiful letter inside the box from another angel mummy, obviously the person that founded the charity also lost a child. It’s so silly but it makes you feel less alone seeing the words. I feel much less along now a day, I have my soul sister that I met through SANDS we message daily, and she is so supportive, she is ahead of me in her journey but I just find it so supportive to speak to someone who knows how it feels, I can say anything to her she doesn’t judge me, or think am crazy. I know I have written this before, but it’s so important. I kinda just wish she was closer so we could have gin and wine afternoons and lunches. Cry till there have no tears left and laugh till we cry.
After I sorted though the box, and put it into order, I found a form that we can complete to place Findley into the book of memorial at Aberdeen Maternity Hospital, I feel disappointed in myself that I didn’t know there was a memorial book, however I can’t wait to see my little boys name in it.
In the box itself there is Findley first outfit, all washed and ironed, a little white onesie, I have his cardigan and hat too but I keep them close to me and on display in the house, as I look at onesie I realise how big my little boy was. Along with hand prints, foot prints, and a lock of hair, there are also photos and a teddy that he cuddled, (touched by me touched by you teddy and tiny patch of blanket) Angela the midwife gave Findley the teddy and blanket to cuddle and we cuddled the other ones, then when it was time to say goodbye, we swapped them, and he took the ones we cuddled with him, and we kept his ones. It’s a beautiful idea, and I am so grateful to have these small things to remember my baby by. There is also a certificate of birth, his baby tag, his baby leg band, and a tape measure with all his measurements on it. This is just to name a few things. The most precious thing in the box is the blanket he was first wrapped in, this blanket is unwashed, there are two items I never washed, the blanket and the vest I wore whist I cuddled him for that precious time we had. The blanket will forever have a little bit of Findley on it. The box is so full of memories it’s just amazing, I will happily show anyone who want to see it. I asked James where we should keep it, we decided that it should stay on full show in our living room, never hidden away, a proud reminder.
I added a few items into the box, Findely stillbirth certificate, and his baby book. I still find his baby book so difficult to look at, I must add some photos to, it’s a lovely memory. However there are bits in it where we wrote how we felt during my pregnancy, it breaks my heart to have been so ignorant of what path we were travelling on. I also find it difficult to remember how truly happy we were, and how wanted my little boy was. The fact that we could only fill out some of this book hurts also, I ran my finger over the tabs, coming home, to name a few, I am so sorry baby boy that we never got to take you home.
As I went through the box, for a second I almost got up and took my scan photos down of my freezer, the rest of my scan photos sit in the Findley baby book, I don’t want to take all my scan photos down, the 4D photos will forever take pride of place, but the rest I feel it will soon be time to pack them up. Just not quite yet. The time will come.
It might sound sad me speaking about the box, it’s sad that we have to have to box, and although I cry when I go through it, that’s okay, I am aloud to cry, if any of you ever get the chance to have a look through I am sure you will cry with me too, and that will also be okay. It’s okay to be upset by the fact that Findley died, it’s not the right order of things.
I will forever be grateful that these charities excised and that we are lucky enough to have all these extra memories. I think the sad part is why these excised. What special angel mummy’s to have put together these boxes and raised the money to keep supplying them to families. I wonder if they really truly know how thankful people are to them. There angels will be so proud of them.