Day 69 – Sliding Doors

Friday 21st September

I met a friend for breakfast this morning, she has a little boy who has cerebral palsy, she shared her story of her journey , she also had reduced movements at 38 week, as she told me her story I realised it was a little bit like sliding doors, except they kept her in and induced her, where as they sent me home that night I had reduced movements at 38 weeks. I had heard her story before but it felt different coming from her today. It’s like the flip side of the coin. I try not to focus on the what’s ifs. I struggle with the question I ask myself – would I rather have my baby here possible with sever learning difficulties, just so I can hold him? Just so I can see into his eyes. He maybe wouldn’t have had much of a quality of life, he might has perfectible “normal”. It’s a question I can’t answer because I don’t truly know. I know how amazingly strong my friend is, she’s an amazing mum, and really does live for her children. It makes me sad I can’t live form my child, that maybe answer my question?? However the sentence the Gp said to me – baby’s are hardy and there is a reason they die, rings in my ears. I know some loss mummies hate hearing that, but I can process it.

I have spent a lot of today missing Findley, I miss him every day but today more so. I hold his little hat to my lips and kiss it as if I were kissing his little forehead. I tell him how much I love him and miss him.

“Mummy misses you very much little boy, she wishes with all her heart you where here with her. Please know that and never forget. One day mummy will join you, until then please keep us all safe”

I can tell James worries when I cry, he doesn’t like seeing me hurt, and he can’t help me, or take the hurt away, am sure he would do anything to take my pain away. My pain in some way make me feel alive, and in this world. I felt numb for so long, I think I would rather feel sad, than feel nothing.

It’s not all consuming anymore, and it’s perfectly normal for me to feel like this, it’s just shit that this is the case. I might spent 10 mins of the day crying but I spend the rest of it living, dreaming, wishing and planning.

I struggle with the world returning to normal, but my life still hasn’t returned to normal, because it never will. I can’t just go back to work and carry on. I have less contact from people now, 10 weeks down the line I find less people want to visit me, or try and make an effort to “entertain me”. I have less communication from people, not that I want to be centre of attention or anything, I just feel maybe I enjoy the distraction of making plans with my friends, that’s has faded over time. I don’t know if that makes sense. I think a lot of people felt the initial shock of Findley dying but because he wasn’t part of them, they have mourned and moved forward. I guess the shock for them has passed too.

this forces my hand to start to make plans with people, to meet people for lunch , to go for dog walks, to go for bike rides and runs. The only problem with this, is I am completely undependable now, I used to hate cancelling plans, but I find myself all to keen to cancel thinks now a days, it’s easier for me to sit alone sometimes, than to attempt to make an effort with people. As I write this I realise I am completed contradict myself. I want people to contact me and make plans, but I come with a massive warning sign that I might cancel last minute. Maybe this give you all an insight into how my mind is working just now.