Day 68 – As time goes by

Thursday 20th September

I can’t believe we are rapidly approaching October. Nearly 10 weeks have passed since this torturous journey began. Those dark days seems so long ago now. That moment that it felt like someone reached into my chest and ripped my heart out is starting to fade into a mist. The day I first help my perfect son is still very much crisps in my mind, if I think back I can see his little fingers resting over mine. His perfect little baby hand.

As time passes a lot of things I though I would never be able to cope with again seem to be easing. However there are still a few things that I really struggle with.

1. Seeing heavily pregnant women. Every time I see a pregnant women my stomach does a flip. I think it’s because it’s a reminder of how happy I was when I was pregnant, the fact I had no idea what lay ahead of me.

2. People telling me how sorry they are for my loss for the first time. The first time someone says those words to me seem to always be difficult. It only seem to be the first time, it’s especially difficult when it’s someone I don’t know. I wonder if I wish they would first congratulate me. Maybe it’s the silence afterwards, or maybe it’s the look in stranger face of hurt. It’s a difficult one because I want to be able to speak about my son, and accept others support.

3. Seeing mums interacting with theirs children. Not every time, but today for example, I saw a mum walking home from school with their child, and I thought in my head that should have been me in 5 years time, and it won’t be.

4. Social situation that are out of my control. I still struggle with the though of these situations. I went to the bike maintained sessions today, but I had already decided I wasn’t going by 1pm. Until Claire text asking if I wanted a lift down, then when I said no, as I was taking my bike down with me, she then said she would meet me at mine and we could walk down together. I really am grateful for my friends thoughtfulness throughout this journey. If not for this I don’t think I would have gone. Once I was their and the garage door was shut, I realised I had absolute no idea of how to remove myself from the room if I wanted to. It was a shear moment of panic, and fear. I felt tears start to build, not because I was sad but because I felt so out of control, I had no escape route. I quickly shook it off, and I hope no one noticed. I felt terrible when Fiona asked if I wanted to be Introduced to everyone, and I said no. How rude but I couldn’t cope with it.

5. Planing for the future, and seeing passed the moment. I keep saying I have my hopes and dreams, and I am allowing myself to have these, I allow my imagination to move into the future. However it’s the planning for the future that I find difficult, I am into a week at a time but if you ask me what I want to any further ahead I just can’t see it. I don’t know if it because now I know how quickly like can be snatched away form you, or if it’s because I don’t want to plan that far ahead because I might wake from this nightmare at any movement.

6. Listening to other people’s problems, or even caring about them. This sounds horrible, and writing it down makes me realise I may be judged for this. However unless it’s a loss of something/one, or someone being unwell, I struggle to care about people’s problems. I feel like shaking people and being like, are you serious is that the worst thing happening in your world right now? I don’t even acknowledged people moaning about something that I don’t care about, I just move the subject on.

I have no doubt that with time these things will become easier to cope with. I think I might have less tolerance to things now that I did before, I don’t know if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I guess only time will tell.