Day 67 – first social gathering looms

Wednesday 19th September

Today as I was poo picking the horses field I though about how amazing it would be to be pregnant again, and growing another little munchkin inside me. It made me so excited thinking about it, I know that this isn’t something that will be happening any time soon, but I will continue to allow myself to have my hopes and dreams. I don’t see any harm in this at all. I really hope that the full moon at the end of the mouth kicks starts my cycle. I do feel now that my hormones are a lot more balanced than a few weeks ago, I hope this is a good sign.

I had a proper chill our day today, all I did was feed the horses, poo pick with the puppies, tired to sort my new bike out, and knit. The rest off he day I just binge watched Big Bang theory.

I am hoping to attend one of my first social gatherings tomorrow. A evening with some more lady cyclists looking at bike maintenance, something I know nothing of, and really need some education around it.

I haven’t really aloud myself to think much about it. I said I would like to go and that’s it, then today I realised it’s tomorrow. I only know a few of the ladies going, only one of whom I have seen recently. I have had such bad social anxiety since Findley died, I actually think I am scared of tomorrow. Scared of having to hold my shit together for an evening. I don’t know why because I hold my shit together most evenings.

I haven’t been in any large groups since the day we said goodbye to Findley. I know tomorrow night isn’t about me, or Findley but I do really hope that those that do know me and haven’t seen me since Findley died ask after him, and don’t just ignore them fact. So far I have noticed those who don’t really know me, don’t want to speak about Findley, I am sure it’s because they are scared I will cry, I might but that’s okay. I think it’s probably more the thought of not having a safety blanket tomorrow night. I will be complete out of the comfort zone.

These things never crossed my mind before, when others close to me lost someone they love, I never realised how grief completely changes your life. From every day trips to the shop, to allowing yourself to be happy. I really do hope I manage to go tomorrow, I know at the back of my head I might change my mind, decide that it’s not the best idea to put myself into the situation. If I do end up changing my mind. I also know that it’s okay to protect myself.

I guess tomorrow isn’t just about the social anxiety, it’s also another first.