Day 66 – Don’t Judge – Still Born Findley's Story

Tuesday 18th September

I picked up Max today, he is beautiful, shiny and new. Blue obviously for Findley as he was the one who suggest a new bike! Welcome to the family Max. I actually can’t wait to get on him and not fall off hopefully! I love being hopeful, I do fear for the day something crushes my dreams again but at moment I am going to try and stay positive.

Today I heard that one of the warrior mummy’s I know are pregnant. I wondered how I would feel hearing the first pregnancy announcement, I though it would be like a stab to the heart, surprisingly it wasn’t, I felt deep down a tiny bit of jealousy but actually am really happy for them. I text to congratulate them and they said people kept calling them crazy for having another one. I thought about her comment for a minute and though about my position . I replied telling her that she should ignore the comments from others. People might call me crazy for wanting to have another baby so soon after a loss. I don’t really care what other people think, if they decide I am crazy or disrespectful to my baby boy, they can hit the unfriendly button.

Before you judge me realise, how hard it is for people who have lost to hope and dream again, think how difficult it is for us to even be able to think about trying to have more children, when our little boy should be lying in his crib next to me. I shouldn’t even be able to think my brain should be fried from lack of sleep, and I should have no idea, when the last time I washed my hair was. People really do judge other to fast now a days. How others live their life really is nothing to do with anyone else. That’s saying until you have walked a mile in someone shoes spring a to mind.

I think I am sometimes bad for judging other but then I wonder why I feel I have a right to judge them? It’s nothing to do with me if someone is having an affair for example, is it? Nope they aren’t my wife or husband, it’s not affecting my life. What do we achieve by judging others? I really don’t know. Allow others to be be happy, selfish what ever you want to call it, it’s their life and if it’s a mistake, it’s their mistake to make.

I got to see Rach and the girls today, it was fab to catch up and I do hope that Rach saw a difference in me since 3 weeks ago. We went out for lunch and as we sat there with lots of babies and children around me, crying and screaming, I realised that it didn’t really bother me. The children aren’t Findley, none of them will replace Findley, I just look forward to the day I when I can’t eat my lunch because I am being disturbed by my little munchkins.

I also had a nice long chat with one of my work colleagues today she had message me with some news about work, I honestly did a little dance when I read it. The change would actually mean I could go back. I really love my job, as I have said previously, but it’s the politics I struggle with. I still am not rushing back but now I actually think I could one day.

She also told me how much she loves reading my blog and how it’s though provoking. It makes me really happy to know that people are taking the time to read my blog and take something away from it. Don’t get me wrong even if people didn’t read it and enjoy it, I would still write it.

There are only one or to people at work I truly trust, she is one of them, I know she worries about me, and I miss her, i hope we will be able To catch up soon. I think the fact that the last time I saw her we sat and had lunch me so excited about being pregnant and the future, all along my babies want struggling. I also know how excited she was for James and I to have our family, she was at our wedding, my baby shower and Findley’s celebration. She was the only one at work who knew the truth about our want for a family. She’s very special to me.

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