Monday 17th September
Wow I almost wrote July there, two months today Findley joined us in this world, two month today since I first held my silent perfect son.
I have had a good day today, it nice to be able to say that. I cried a bit more today that others but that doesn’t make it a bad day.
I was thinking today about labels, people have given me a few labels to wear,
1. Mummy of a stillborn baby
2. Child loss
3. Mummy of an angel baby
They all mean the same thing really but they are labels that people use. The label I like to use is Strong Warrior Mummy. Every mummy is a warrior to me, if your baby is alive, stillborn, neonatal loss, or if you lose your child later in life. We are all amazing strong women.
I don’t like label, and I find people can be a bit ignorant to it all, every single person deals with loss in their own way. Just because someone’s child dies doesn’t mean we all feel the same about it. Some are angry, and blameful and restful, some are grateful, sad and heartbroken. I can see this in the SANDS forum. I don’t like to be compared to someone else who has gone through a loss. Even when I speak to the girls who I have become close to on sands over the past few month, we all have so much respect for each other, and know we have all travelled different paths, and will continue to. We support each other through our good and difficult days, with real raw honestly because no one judges each other.
Today I was also thinking about how I like to refer to Findley, I like to refer to him in the present, not the past tense as much as possible. I like to say he is, rather than he was. Do I have a son? Yes I do, he’s called Findley he is an angel baby. I practice saying this in my head, ever fearful of the day I actually have to say it out loud. I want to say it with strength and love. I am proud!
Last night I was looking at a photo of another angel baby that a warrior mum shared with me, he baby boy died after birth. As I look at the photo of her beautiful baby boy he smiling at me, his eyes wide open, I realised how much I yearned to see my baby boys eyes open. I believe the eyes are the window to the soul, I can see her baby boy has a beautiful soul, I never got to see Findley’s soul through his eyes, although I know deep down he has a beautiful soul, and I imagine the two boys playing together in a few years, growing up together. I hope they find each other, I am sure they will.
I still can’t believe how much guilt I feel on this journey, it complete heart wrenching, every time I stop to think about having a good day, I feel bad, I know it’s irrational to many, I shouldn’t feel guilty. However I do and it’s such a difficult balancing act. I think back to this morning and wonder if I the first thing I though of was Findley when I woke up , I can’t honestly can’t remember, then I feel bad. I wonder if that will ever get easier. I do hope so.
As the days get better, I know that the bad days get fewer, but I still see storm cloud ahead. I agreed to meet one of my work colleagues for a coffee next week, this I feel is a massive step for me, I don’t have to return to work any time soon, I guess this is testing the waters. I think that I will make things easier when I have to return if I have had contact with people during my time off. We used to share an office, today that trigger the though of returning to work, my office is right next to the maternity hospital in fact the room I used to be in looks right into the room I gave birth to my son in. This send shivers down my spine. I can’t spend my days looking down into that room. The room that took my most happy and most heart breaking moment of my life. I quickly shook this of knowing this is a long way away, and by then you just never know where I will be in this journey. I am Strong!
I never got to see Nyla’s eyes either–always wish that I could have.