Day 64 – Chuck it in the F##k it bucket!

Sunday 17th September

Today is the first day I feel I probably don’t need to write my blog. Can I have a winning at life please! I never said I would write every day but to start with I felt I had to write things down daily. Today I just don’t feel I need to but I do want to. Incase anyone starts panicking when there isn’t a daily installation, I am still here just coping better.

Today has been one of those day, I went to meet Pamela for a bike run, in true Pamela style she was running over an hour later. To be fair I hadn’t confirmed our meeting destination, however we still agreed a bike run . Beat of her own drum, and to be honest I am so used to it now, it also doesn’t annoy me at all anymore. I just took longer to have my breakfast, and chilled out.

Today was the first time I have been able to go on a bike ride since the unlucky day I fell off twice. I am so lucky to have amazing friends who fixed it for me, but it was too windy last week to cycle. James kindly dropped me off at Pamela’s over 23 miles away so we could cycle back to Insch have lunch then Pamela was going to cycle back, am not up for 50 mile bike runs yet! See the word yet! I will get there.

Anyway so we head off and at the first hill we hit I could here my chain making an unusual noise, I did wonder if it was slipping slightly, I must admit to being worried that it might break again and I would inevitably go splat! However as the miles ticked away everything seemed to be fine and the bike was functioning, although it was still making a slightly strange noise on a the hills in the bottom gear, I made a mental note to let Billy know when we got back.

So as we hit the first major hill, in the back of my head I though I should maybe unclip my peddle. Then I shook it off as a fear from my previous fall going up hill. Not even 100yards into the hill, my bike made a lovely crunching metal sound, and my legs just starting spinning round, oh no!! Man down!! I had time to get these words out as I decided where was the softest place to land, as i wasn’t going to get my feet Unclipped before I hit the deck! So on the verge I fell. Ah man not again. Findley you better not be laughing at me, Pamela luckily safely stops and comes back to rescue me, as she looks at me, she tells me she doesn’t think she has anything to fix that in her bag, I asked her if she could just lift my bike off me. Imagine still having your feet clipped in and a bike on top of you. Beached whale! Epic fail, how not to cycle.

Once the bike was off me I could see that my chain has snapped completely. Bike ride over! Luckily I wasn’t hurt, it had been a Soft landing, also luckily that James was home, so i phoned him and he came to rescue us.

I was laughing 8 miles into a 23 mile bike run, I was really enjoying myself as well. I sat at the edge of the road, laughing, seriously bike what’s your problem. I know billy has suggested the chain might need changed but he didn’t want to because the gears are worn and this might mean a gear set change to, that to non cyclist is basically like buying a new bike. I had bought my bike second hand originally so it wasn’t worth it. So i decided it’s a message from Findley to treat myself to a new bike, I could almost hear him saying, go on mummy spoil yourself (I hope not all Findley’s messages involve spending so much money). So mind set new bike.

when James arrived we stuck the bikes on the rack and headed for lunch. Just as we got into the car, the heavens opened, well that was good timing. Everything really does happen for a reason, if my bike hadn’t broken we would have been soaked to the skin, it was bouncing of the car window and I hadn’t taken a jacket. Time to chuck the bike in the fu#kit bucket and move on. I suggest that the saying things happen in 3s only exists because after something happens 3 times people are sensible enough not to attempt to try and do the same thing again. Needless to say new bike it ordered, old bike is being traded in, and I look forward to my next bike run, on my shiny new bike. I realise writing this that this morning, was almost a bog standard morning. Any other person could have had my Morning, it’s not a morning of a grieving mummy.

I also got a chance to visit Claire today, she is designing my tattoo in memory of Findley, I am so excited it’s amazing, she has managed to take the print we have and turn it into a tattoo, I can’t wait to get it. I am not going to give away to much, as I will share it in October once it’s completed. She is ana amazing artist and very talented. It was also a nice afternoon of being able to chat to about Findley, look at this hand and feet prints, and remember him.

Mum ventured to Burgie today, our local British event, she went to help Claire. She did ask if I wanted to go, but I am no where near ready to see my event family yet. They are an amazing bunch of people, but that many people in one go telling me how sorry they were for my loss, is a crippling though. However Mum relayed all the messages to me over the phone when she calls to ask what happened to my bike. Tears fill my eyes as she tells me the names of people who send their love, who gave her hugs and asked after me. No because I am sad but because I am so grateful for all those people who take their time to remember my little boy. Even as I write this tears fill my eyes. I am so lucky to have these people who truly care for me, I maybe don’t know them all well, but I have known them all for years. I know I have shared this Before but I do think it really important that people know, I want them to speak to me about Findley, I want them to ask me about him, ask after him, ask me how things are and what happened. If a gift to have people that care enough to ask after him. Just now I some times have to protect myself, and avoid situations that might overwhelm me, but I know when I am ready I will go to an event. I look forward to this day.