Day 84 – Remembrance

Saturday 6th October

As the numbers of days since Findley died slowly increase the pain slowly fades. I don’t think is has gone away, I just think that a small part of me has learned to deal with the loss.

Today was another mile stone in our journey, I have planned for weeks to have Findley’s hand print tattooed onto my arm, a forever reminder of my forever love, for my baby boy. I always said I would never get a name on me, and I would never get a tattoo on my wrist but I have broken both of these “never” today. I also never though that I would say good bye to my son before I got to say hello to him. So I guess “never” no longer survive in this world.

I though today would be more painful, I am not speaking about the tattoo here, i though I would be more emotionally involved, I thought I would cry as I saw the completion of the artists master piece , but I didn’t, I can’t remember the last time I was so happy, I now have my baby forever holding on my arm. We will for ever walk side by side. For those who have not lost someone I do know if you will understand why this made me so happy.

As I sit typing this I can see my beautiful boys hand print in my wrist, it’s a intense feeling of love. Maybe tacky to some, but I don’t care what others may think to it.

I guess after a loss you spend a lot of time thinking how you can make sure that the memory is kept alive forever. I spent hours, days worrying about the tattoo making sure it would be perfect in every way. I even got the artist to move the print 0.1cm so it was perfectly placed for me to see.

My tattoo isn’t for anyone else, it’s so I can forever look at it, and forever feel a closeness to Findley. although I hope it provokes conversations, I imagine them to go something along the lines of, that a nice tattoo what does it say? Then me being able to start a conversation and tell them about my angel baby. My precious little boy Findley.

After my tattoo we, Val and I headed for a few drinks, with Laurie, it was nice, I can’t remember the last time I was out in town. Probably the night (or near to) that findley was conceived. I had a boozy night with Laurie before heading home.

I don’t feel like I have changed much, the me inside, maybe I just don’t give as much of a shit about things as I used to. I worried far to much in my life before Findley, I hope I can leave that worry there and move forward as a freer soul. The only thing I worry about now, is that Findley is proud of his mummy.

As I think forward into the future it’s all still a bit hazy, I hope it’s full of happiness and joy, well if I am honest I don’t think it can hurt much more, I don’t know if anything in life will hurt as much as the last 12 weeks have. When ever I think of the loss of my son, I have the deepest of pain in my chest, it’s just not right and I feel like we were all robbed of our lives, hopes and dreams. However the things about hope and dreams are that you can have more, you can create more. The only thing that can’t be replaced is Findley, and he is too precious to ever be replaced.

Today was a lot of firsts and I guess the more firsts I have the less firsts there are to come. I feel very lucky to have my amazing family and friend around me to help me Survive this journey.

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