Day 112 – November

Thursday 1st November

Another day, another month, hello November, as each days ticks past, I am struggling to still hold on tightly to Findley, I am noticing now how everyone life’s have started to move forward, return to the new normality. Except mine, I am sitting waiting for my rainbow. I feel like my life won’t move forward until then, however I know that this is not healthy.

I have started to think about going back to work. It won’t be this year, but I am now struggling being at home alone. I don’t see my friends any more, people aren’t rushing round to support me, and keep me occupied. I hardly even get a text or call. Out of sight out of mind? I guess initially it’s raw and people are there to help, they might have healed and moved on but I haven’t. People work during the week and James is only home at the weekend. I am struggling with this. My support network is strongly leaning on the people who I have met via the SANDS forum. I spend a lot of my day online, reading forums, following other people’s journey. It’s all still a bit shit really. People don’t really get it unless they are in it. I just think I have to much empty time to deal with.

I mean the pain isn’t as raw, I speak openly about Findley, I do however feel obsession about trying for another child. I think the obsession allows me to hide from the loss. I still speak to Findley every day and I know I when the time is right Findley will deliver me my next little baby safely. Until then I have to be patient, anyone that knows me know how much I struggle with not having control.

Halloween has been another 1st, Findley first Halloween, i sat and though of what I would have dressed him in, Harry Potter maybe, James would have taken the Mick out of me. I wonder if they celebrate Halloween where he is? I wonder what he looks like now, he will have grown he would be nearly 4 months old. We would be well into the swing of a routine by now if he was here. My baby boy, my one and only.

The dogs haven’t been well this week, I went straight to the thought that they might die, weird how my brain now goes to the worst possible scenario. I kept waking in the middle of the night to make sure they are still breathing, I hardly slept for 3 nights, it was just a tummy bug but the fear of someone taking away my fur babies, the thought of more loss, more hurt. I find it hard to even process. They are better now, they are back to their normal cuddly selves.

I fell like I have been getting lots of signs from Findley this last week. I have seen so many rainbows. I feel like he sends me messages. I walked up a local hill the other day with the dogs, I got to the top, stood and sang to my little boy, I started to sniff somewhere over the rainbow, but I didn’t know the words, so I loaded it into my phone and started to play it and sing along, as I look up across the valley the end of a massive rainbow has appeared, like it was coming down from heaven just for me . I just felt the tears in my eyes and the smile on my face, I love you too my wee man. He’s always telling me he’s here listening to me, keeping me safe.

I watched Emmerdale today, for the first time since Findley died, there has been a still birth on there recently, I couldn’t watch it. I wasn’t strong enough, and worried that it might be a trigger. I randomly picked the episode of baby graces funeral to start watching but decided not to watch it, I all to well know the pain of laying your baby to rest. However they have done a very good job so far of what I have watched. When she asks how to survive when everyone else is moving forward what does she do, I know that feeling all to well, I didn’t even know what the point of getting out of bed was. Just put one foot in front of the other until hopefully one day, it starts to become easier. Not a truer word said, that really is how it is, try to just keep moving because if you don’t your stuck in limbo. The honest answer of, it won’t ever get easier, also true, you just learn to live with the pain.

I ugly cried this morning for the first time in a while, PMS and grief is a really difficult thing. Coping with loss and hormones, struggle to remember who I am, and what is just my body doing its thing. I was meant to be going out on a bike run, I decided not to go and just stay in bed. A few text to the hubby and the smile is back on my face, and I headed out in my bike for 20miles. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t even move.

It is still a crazy rollercoaster, or like constantly trying to swim up stream. It’s exhausting and repetitive. However not everything is painful, some times I find myself smiling, starting to enjoy the things in life I used to. So yes time to start moving forward, one foot in front of another until it start to get easier, the next step is planning next year and returning to work and normality, at my pace, with my rules.