Day 106 – Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high

Friday 26th October

It’s almost a year now since Findley was conceived .. wow where has the time gone, it would have been this cycle last year. I remember being like, I have had enough of this now, month after month of negative tests or my period arriving as it normally did bang on time.

It’s so bloody hard being back trying again, I almost felt like my finger tips where touching my happy ever after but I just couldn’t grab hold of it. I still swear that I would have rather loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Comes back to those sayings again, I used to say that when I man broke my heart.. well I tell you that was bullshit that wasn’t to love and lose but this certainly is.

True love that unconditional love, only a mother has for her child, the love when you would jump in front of a bus for them. Don’t dare hurt my child!

I keep saying this week, people ask how are you doing, I reply okay. I am doing okay, I have much more good days than bad days, but by god when it hurts it just hurts as much as it ever has. The pain is like someone stabbing you, catches your breath and the world starts to tumble. The tears. I found myself apologise to James on Wednesday night for getting upset at dinner with Adam. I was scared I had embarrassed him. I was fine speaking about Findley chatting about Christmas and the future, then Ed’s perfect came on in the restaurant, and I just had to leave, but I could get out quick enough and the tears were in my eyes, ugly snotty tears. I used to play perfect to Findley when he was in my tummy. He was so perfect! James was so supportive, never apologise for crying, crying is okay, and Adam understands.

This week has been lots of firsts , and it’s been stressful and amazing all in one. I just wish I could have more beliefs and hope, it find it very hard to be positive about my hopes and dreams coming true. I have hopes and dreams, but I don’t believe in them yet. I am sure this will come with time. It maybe won’t.. I don’t know, I can hope.

It amazing all that can happen in 365, who would have though this time last year we would have been on this journey. It’s not a path anyone would ever think they would be on, but it is where the universe took us.

I feel so very lucky to have what I have in my life, but even more lucky to the people who I have found in the last year, who have come into my life. I have made a fantastic support network, and am so lucky, I feel people are more open with me, and I am more understanding. I also feel like I give much less of a shit about what people think of me, and that results in being more selfish, but I think it’s fantastic that I love my life for me now, not for anyone else. Tell me honestly, how many people live their life for what they want, without the fear of upsetting someone, or doing what people think they should do.

Today has been topped off with seeing these amazing rainbows. Two double rainbows in one day, I hope this is a sign of good luck coming my way. As I poo picked the horses today, I found myself Singing somewhere over the rainbow.

I look at everything so differently now, words don’t mean the same, I feel like I understand the world more, I feel like I am more in touch with who I am , and who I am meant to be.