Day 99 – Be Brave …

Friday 19th July

Be brave, if not pretend to be brave. I used to have this mantra when I rode my horses, just fake it till you make it basically. I probably have been trying to do this a little since Findley died to allow me to move on with life.

Today I have gone to get my hair done, it’s been 14 weeks since I last sat in the chair, and it feels like a life time ago, for someone who religiously went ever 6 weeks it has been a challenge to come back. Leah has been amazing, she’s working late to for me in a quite time, I can’t cope with busy places.

Maybe if I got my hair done somewhere no one knew my name it might be easier, but my wonderful hairdresser basically saw me as much as my midwife throughout my pregnancy. My Anxiety as at a peak before I head down, I dropped james car off at the train station for him, and Claire Kindly took me down.

As soon as I saw Leah I start to cry, smash massive wave right over the top of me, but why? I have seen Leah since Findley died, she did my hair for his celebration. I know why this is so hard, I probably just don’t want to admit it. The last time I sat in a salon chair I was so smug. My baby was due in just over a week, and I was just soo in love and excited. I walked out saying to the girls, next time I am here I will have my baby. Well I have had my baby but he died. Not for one minute did it cross my mind, as I sat getting my hair done in preparation for his arrival, and so I would look good for any new baby photos. In reality I sat there as my baby was dying inside me, Findley died on the Sunday morning, I had my hair done on the Friday afternoon.

Once I say those words to Leah, and let the wave crash over me again and again, I start to feel like I am surfacing. I needed to say how I felt, I need to share my guilt. I needed someone to understand why this was so hard.

it’s a harsh reality but it’s the truth, however I have to stop being so hard on myself. The brain is an amazing things, it often tries to protect me, but my subconscious is wicked, and I obviously still blame myself for not knowing there was something wrong with my little boy. How could I not know? I guess that is something I have to work through and deal with. I always feel like I let Findley down, I couldn’t keep him safe and he died. I didn’t kill him, and I probably couldn’t have saved him but a mum is meant to protect their children.

Once I have had my hair done I do feel slightly better. I don’t feel my normal confident self after my hair. I feel “dull” but I survived and I spend 3 hours talking about my baby, and baby loss, I cried a lot, and I felt so silly but Leah did a fantastic job comforting me. It’s much easier to be brave when you have such amazing people around you.

I feel today I survived one of my scariest firsts in a long time and I am glad I did. Maybe to some a silly thing to have to survive but I am proud and grateful.

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