Day 98 – Spinning

Thursday 18th October

Findley should have been 3 months old yesterday. I should be posting a photo of my beautiful boy with his little card next to him. Instead on Monday I light a candle of remembrance for him.

I found Monday’s wave of light difficult yet really comforting. I have found myself since then really wanting to be outside at sun set. It’s a very strange need. Last night I took my bike and the dogs to the top of gartley just in time to watch the sun go down. I felt so close to Findley being up there. The air was soo still and crisp, i had a wee chat with Findley, I miss and love him so much. When the wave of hurt comes, it’s still as painful and powerful as it ever has been, the waves just don’t come as often. I really felt like yesterday Findley was with me, right next to me, I wish I could hear him, I wish he could speak to me.

I went for lunch with friends the other day, first time I have been with more than one person. I found it unbelievably overwhelming, I just and no more managed to hold my shit together. I couldn’t cope with the conversations, one would ask me a question the other would speak, just normal chit chat, but I couldn’t focus and I started to feel myself slip away into my own little world. Then we started speaking about ice cream, and I was instantly taken back to the weekend before Findley died when we went to get ice cream, I was so worried that day as he hadn’t moved very much, and I ended up in hospital that evening for monitoring. That evening should have been the one he was induced, or discussed. That night was the night all the mistakes happened. It was a horrible trigger. I dunno if I managed to hide how upset it made me. I don’t expect my friend by any means to know what might trigger me, I don’t even know what my triggers are, and I know they are so fearful of saying the right thing.

I really do hate the anxiety that comes with loss, I know I speak about it a lot, but it really does suck. It’s life altering, like the fact I still haven’t been brave enough to go to Tesco for the last 13 weeks. I do wonder when that will pass, when I won’t be scared of meeting people I know. The funny thing is that when I do bump into people I manage fine. It’s control I think, the need to have some control over my life, when it’s constantly spinning out of control.

There are all these films about people who get pregnant unplanned and then have babies and it’s life changing. I would love to see a film about loss, how if affects people, and how it’s really does change life as we know it forever.

I am grateful for all the friends I have made along this journey, and it really does help to remind myself, I am not alone, I am not the only person who has lost a child. It wasn’t just me that’s this happened to.

We often become weighted down by our own shit, we forget how life isn’t simple for anyone, and the likely hood is there are 1000s of other people feeling how we are right now. It doesn’t belittle how we feel but I think it’s a kind of supportive to know we are not alone on our journeys.

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