2024 Final Chapter

I was reminded today about my blog, I don’t even know if anyone reads this still.. it wasn’t really meant for anyone else it was somewhere for me to share my story.

This really is my final chapter , i said to James its the end of the chapter but he said you mean the bloody novel. Hes right its a novel, and at no point do i understand how we even started to survive the book we have written, the tale of love and heart break, of the unspeakable losses and the highs of the best days of our lives, and love, fullness and gratefulness, but here we are still standing still fighting and still believing nothing worth having comes easy.

The beutiful crazy wild child Lewis is now

a threenager.. hes 4 this year. Hes the best thing to ever come into our lives and I swear he saved me. He drives me absolutely insane with his sassy attitude but then i gently remind myself of where he get it from…but i still wouldn’t change a thing about him, hes kinda and caring, and loves life..

At the end of last year after a stay in hospital where I was diagnosed with endometriosis.. why not add that to the list of stuff we have endured, i hadnt given up on more family but i think i had decided that it wasn’t the priority and really it might not happen again. Anyway i got back running back to the hills longer miles loving life, entered Inverness 10k and was just enjoying life again.. then well surprise i was pregnant again .. This time i wasted no time getting in touch with my consultant and making sure that I had steroids and bloods thinners .. but that was it.. i didn’t want a early scan I didn’t want to even think about this pregnancy.. i kept running, i kept living life and we told no one else.. i just got on with life ..

I guess one part of my brain was preparing for the worst and the other part still had this tiny but if hope this might be our next rainbow, i still think i held out home that Maureen had been right all those years ago and we were due a special little girl .

Well this tiny bit of hope is now a living breathing 5 day old little girl called Freya Lena Law.. i know right how did that happen..

I could lie and say if was easy .. it was not, however as always i had my amazing husband by my side always saying its possible its fine.. and you need to calm down 😂… then there my consultant who is always listening and acting to support us.

I worried about everything and i don’t know if i ever really connected with Freya growing inside me, until we had a trial scanner in and i saw her there in 3d.. was a bit of a reality check.. my perfect little girl. I cried a bit.. i went to every scan and i heard my consultant say those words .. there is the heart beat and i swear every time it still came as a surprise.. then all of a sudden it was D day and we had our planned section, much calmer than Lewis more trust that Freya would be here alive, more trust in myself that what i felt was correct she was there, she was kicking and she was a sassy pants.

I am sooo glad of how stubborn I was, I am so glad we never gave up hope, and no one ever gave up hope on us, I am blessed with the most amazing family, earth and heaven.

So what now.. well I can confirm there will no more babies I opted for sterilisation at my section, because I need this book to end, Volume one (or 5 million so its feels) has been published.. the next on is in the making.

I feel content and happy and complete and I can not wait to get home and enjoy my amazing family, and am excited for what the future bring, i pray with all my heart for no more sorrow and pain for us.

It is times like these i remember my biggest boy in heaven, he is never ever forgotten, he changed our lives forever, he tough us how to hurt, how to cry, how to forgive and how to live. He tough me I am enough and i am worthy. I wish with all my heart he was here my nearly 6 year old, but for some reason I know, he was never meant for here, he was meant for bigger things, too precious, too important and too brave for this world. I know he has tough many people lessons and how to grow and change. He will and always has watched over us, and i hope he looks down proud to call me his mum.

Holding Freya in my arms with Lewis makes every heart ache and every tear worth it, the fight was worth it, and I will be foreger greatful to Lena my consultant for never giving up on us, for always being there, supporting our insane decisions to keep going, and for always looking for answers, explanations and treatments that might help. i look forward to the day when Freya, our noble lady and Lewis our warrior, asks me about their names and I can share the story of an amazing consultant who helper make all our dreams possible.