So after being a bit concerned about my recovery from my miscarriage I had a scan on Monday which showered retained product of pregnancy, which I also had with Robyn, so although not surprised was disheartened to hear we needed surgery. As always my consultant was supportive and we got booked in for the next day.

I have has what they call a D&C 3 times now with no issues, so off we trundled to theatre, i was sad that I was back there again, same theatre Lewis was born in, always make me think about what ifs, what now.

We had had a quick chat about results and hearing that they were similar to Robyn made me heart sink, we are probably now in a position where we are more likely to have another complicated loss that we are to have a living child.. but this is my head. No one official has said this to me, and it still makes it hard to decide to walk away from that final bit of the jigsaw or continue to fight.

Anyway surgery went well, and i was taken back to Rubislaw to recover, all seemed fine but I have no real idea what happened next, as all I can remember is not being able to breath.. and alot if people staring at me. Which resulted in me staying in rubislaw for longer than I had hopped. I continue to have these periods of struggling to catch my breath with pain, and my oxygen sats dropping. They ruled out aspiration and a clot in my lung, but still i was having difficulty taking a deep breath it was like i had to remind my body to breath, then when i did it hurt. Then i panicked then i couldn’t get my breath back.

Yesterday I was much better day and i woke up having slept much better, the night before it was like every time i dozed off my body forgot to take a breath, so i would wake up. The midwife said my sats kept dropping to 80% and they though possible sleep apnea, then it was anxiety. It was a but frustrating because I know I was getting anxious when i couldn’t breath which was making it worse but it wasn’t causing it.. how can you be anxious in your sleep.. anyway yesterday was much better and I just wanted to go home. However by 8pm the doctors finally said I could go home, James was not impressed with the idea of taking my home so late at night with no pain killers… so another night was had ..

I so want out of Rubislaw to add to if, its Robyn’s birthday on Sunday and tomorrow will be 4 years since she died.. am back in that same room again and I just would like to be home. No offence to Rubislaw but am done with being here.

I do not understand why drama follows me around.. I don’t understand why our journey has been such a hard one, and i have no idea what’s next for us…. However i am glad yet again to be listened to, and treated with respect and dignity. I am glad my surgery was successful and much needed… so time to heal and hopefully get back go normality.. it feels hard to know what that is now.. as its forever shifting.

I have found being able to reflex on my blog and read back what we survived in the past, and how my feeling were then go now. It makes me so very lucky and proud to have Lewis here with us, and how hope wins out every time!

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