Saturday 1st December
Where has time gone? I struggle to believe it’s the last month of 2018. It has been one of the best and worst years of my life. I won’t be sorry to hear the bells chiming in 2019, however it’s not a year I ever want to forget Either. I bet that sounds strange to some people. However why would I ever want to forget the year I became a mum, even with the hurt and pain that came with it.
This time last year I was around 6 weeks pregnant with Findley, we went to New York, a trip we had planned for a good few months. I had FOMO after Zandra had told me she was going, so we used some of my left over house sale money for some quality time. I was so scared the whole time. I was worried I would have a miscarriage or something would go wrong when I was there. However also half way through our week there pregnancy symptoms really kicked in, and It started to feel really real!! I realise now looking back I don’t know if I ever truly believed at any point that Findley would be coming home with us. From that first few weeks, to my 20 weeks scan being delayed due to weather and me paying privately for a reassurance scan, to right at the end arguing with the midwife about scans, speaking to my yoga belly friends about what midwifes has told me. I was always very worried something just wasn’t right, and something was going to bring my world crashing down. This was before I even really knew about loss.
I met Zandra for lunch yesterday, for those who aren’t regular readers, this is Findley god mummy. She was there with me the night that I found out Findley had died. a bond and memory that will forever keep our friendship strong. One neither of us truly wish to have. She has recent had a lot going on in her life .. not for me to share, and we discussed the ins and outs of mistakes me have made. Now, I am not for minute claiming that my son died for a reason, and it defiantly wasn’t gods will, however I do believe that things happen for a reason, we wouldn’t even be in the house we are in now, if I had never met Zandra. I firmly believe that she was sent into my life to help survive this journey. I explained to her, that we all make choice in this world when we stand at a junction and take the wrong road, it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t meant to happen, or we are stupid for choosing our hearts over our heads, or money over love, it’s just the choice at that minute in time, that was right for us. It is far better to have loved and lost that never loved at all.
I could have chosen not to have children, let’s face it, the moment that you decided to have a family there is a risk, no one guarantees you anything. We ignorantly believe the difficult journeys aren’t for us, and that it’s always a friend of a friend it happened to, or a story on a soap. I don’t regret choosing to have family, I don’t regret falling pregnant and I don’t regret that Findley died. How could I? He’s my son, my beautiful first born son. He gave me so much in such a short space of time. Although it has take several months to really get this, it’s 20 weeks today since we found out he died. In that 20 weeks I have learned so much about me, about my family, my friends and my relationships. I have learnt about the world, about accepting other, about accepting loss, pain and hurt. I realise I am a strong person (something that when people called me in the early days used to make me mad, I used to think, strong, really tell me what are my options) , not because Findley died, but because I refused to give up on life, it’s hard, really hard to be happy again, to have hope, dreams and believe that you will survive. In those dark days where there is no light, no clear route of how to move forward from the pain, no emergency exits, the harsh reality is, you can’t move forward, you have to ride the waves, accept the pain, live it.
If you don’t, then you will never find a way forward, you will never learn how to live again. It’s not easy and it’s defiantly filled with even more pain. Realisations, acceptance, my son did really die, he was real. Crying is such an important part of this trip, I cry still nearly every day, it’s not that all consuming ugly crying, but it tears of pain and loss. Often when that realisation of the horror that has really happened to you. It’s easy to just push that pain to one side, the pain that makes your stomach flip, I don’t disagree with placing it to a side now and again, we can’t constantly live in turmoil.
It funny I always said I wanted to live my life, I wanted to slide into my grave side ways, with a fag hanging out of my mouth and a glass of wine in my hand saying wow what a life!! So it comes down the choice you make, play it safe, or take the risks. I chose to take the risks, it was my choice, risks always have consequences. I refuse to now always worry about the consequences. One of my warrior mummy friends said to me, better to focus on the positive that dwell on the negative, because if your always thinking about how things can go wrong, or what the negative out come to a situation is, then you live in a very sad and unhappy place. Choice is what it come down to, and I am trying really hard to chose to believe ahead of us is sunshine and rainbows.
I chose to put my trust into god, now am not saying I have become a overly religious person, I think if am honest I have always been religious, I wanted a minster to marry us, I needed Findley to be baptised, I need to put a st Christopher in with him, so he travelled safely. I often call on the angels to help me now, and absolutely love that my soul sister ask them to help me to. I believe that there is something greater than us. I don’t believe they are in charge of life or death, but I believe they will help guide us to achieve what is right for us. I don’t believe that God can take or give life, I think that is something no one controls. However they can help us be in the right place and time to make sure what is meant for us, won’t pass us by. A prime example of this is how I met Zandra, and if I haven’t met choc, I would never have met Zandra and if I haven’t met choc, I would never have lost my weight and become the person I am today. It’s all a domino effect.
I am not asking anyone else that read this has to also believe this, but I take so much comfort from this. It’s my way of surviving this, it’s where some of my strength comes from. I have no regrets in life, maybe I regret some things initially, like the bottle of wine the night before but eventually that regret disappears. I stand by it all. Even if I don’t feel like this every single day, it’s my happy place
So ask yourself truly, are those regrets you feel in life true, is there no happiness to the consequences? I bet truly and deeply that any regret you hold, is wasted energy. There was something positive out of it, even if it takes a long time to realise it.