Saturday 17th November
It’s hard to think that Findley would be 4 months old today, he would be starting to look like a wee man am so sure of it. I was looking at some of my yoga belly mums photos, and it just reminds me of how Findley should be. It also reminds me of how much I am not part of that club any more. I don’t really hear from anyone I met during my pregnancy journey, it’s all so different from what it should be. It makes me a little angry that no one bothers with me. It would be so different if Findley was here am so sure if it. I hope that I wouldn’t have done this to any of the other Mummies.
I know it’s probably because they have no idea what to say to me, and probably don’t really want my shit to pull them down. I had really hoped I would keep my contacts I had made, but I guess now we have nothing in common, they probably don’t want to speak to me about dirty nappies, teething and sleepless nights. I probably don’t want to hear about them either.
I just feel stuck in between my friend before Findley, during Findley and after Findley. I speak to my new friend I have made in this journey far more that I speak to anyone else. I probably shouldn’t surround myself with the new friends but I feel they are the most supportive. I know I say people don’t get it, but actually I feel like people don’t want to get it. They don’t want to be dragged into this world of sorrow, or hurt. People don’t like hearing about it as much.
I feel like I am waiting for someone to say to me, come one Jan it’s been 4 months time to move on.
I also wonder if my lack of input in social media means I am out of sight out of mine. I don’t want to feel like I have to post something to remind people I am here. I guess I just want validation. I want my feelings to be validated. One of my friend suggest that people are busy and don’t know how to speak to me, they can’t complain to me about their lives etc etc. I mean as long as they aren’t complaining about their babies am sure I don’t mind hearing their worries, they are choosing not to give me the chance.
Anyway I think that’s my rant over with.