Day 115 – PSM + Greif

Sunday 4th November

Not one person can appreciate how difficult it is to deal with PMS whilst grieving.

The girls on SANDS that I speak to warned me, but I kind of dismissed it. I was super glad to see my cycle return after loosing Findley, It took 12 weeks to the day he died. I was worried it wouldn’t and there was something wrong with me, however this month I wasn’t so happy to see it return bang on time. I used to have an cycle you could set your watch too, I guess I should be grateful that its back to how it was before, but it hit me really hard. Obviously I would rather not have seen it return at all, I have been not hidden the fact that James and I want to extend our family, and I guess with the recent run of bad luck we have had, we though maybe some good luck would come our way. I initially was hurt that I wants pregnant again, and that I was one month further into this journey without my rainbow. I can hear people judging me, I have lost count of how many time people have said to me, but it’s only 16 weeks since Findley died, give it time, you were 9 months pregnant, that take a lot out of your body. I know all of this, I know it but, do you know how many women get pregnant again quickly after a loss, lots, and unless you walk in my shoes then I ask you keep any comments around it to yourselves. I know every word you will say to me, but I don’t want to hear it. It also does not make it any easier.

I guess when your trying for family you get excited you get your hopes up, you start to think about the future and then they are just gone. Focusing on trying for more family takes your focus off the grieving process too, so you can imagine as soon as that bubble bursts, it’s like being hit by a 10 tone truck. I spend most of yesterday in my bed, thinking about Findley dreaming of how things should have been. Every single thing I did reminded me of being pregnant. I sat and looked out the window, I remember the day I hung all his little clothes out to dry after I had washed them for the first time, before I packed my hospital bag. As I cooked lunch it reminded me how much he used to wriggle around when I stood in front of the cooker. Every single little thing just reminded me of my loss, and there is no hiding from the pain. I cried more the last two days, than I have since the few days after Findley died, let’s face it I don’t even want to be here, I want to be nursing my 4 month old son. Then trying to figure out what is pure grief and what is my hormones.. where do I stop and they began. Wondering how I will survive months of this roller coaster again. I don’t for one minute think it will get any easier. I spend 9 months hoping and praying for that two little lines to appear each month being disheartened that it hasn’t happened. How will I survive that after loss?

What’s the other options? Stop, give up on our hopes and dreams, don’t have any more family. I don’t really know how to even answer that one. I literally live to be a mummy now, I can’t see anything else that would make me feel complete again. I will alway alway cry for Findley and the fact he was stolen from us, but I know in my heart we will have more family. Stop trying yeah right, is there a trying to conceive anonymous, because you ask anyone who wants family to just give up and relax, they will probably punch your straight between the eyes. So what now, I guess it’s a case of letting myself be for a few days then pick myself up dust myself off and carry on.

My brain is my worst enemy, it will tell me I will not have more family, I will never be pregnant again, I don’t deserve it, Findley was our miracle, that it. I often tell my brain to F**k off, it’s a dick! Can keep it’s thought to itself. I cling to hope, I cling to them memories of holding my baby boy. I cling to that love and that amazing feeling.

I am also really struggling with how much James has been away, yes he’s home every weekend, he gets home Friday night and leave Sunday afternoon, it’s a long lonely week without him here. I have decided to go back across to Norway again. I didn’t necessarily do much with my time there but I wasn’t alone every night and every day. It was nice to have James to cuddle up with and to have tea with. Hopefully I will have a bit more confidence to go and do things when I am there this time too. Hopefully it will be James last week there, but we don’t know how long they will wait after finishing his training before they start him on his 3 week rotation. Hopefully the idea of spending next week together will help me survive this week alone again.

We have made a pack that I will try and run or bike 3 times this week and James will do the same. Maybe I should start focusing on my fitness again, that’s where I buried my head last time we were trying for Findley.

So I still have my hopes and dreams and I refuse to give up. I am sorry not sorry if my friend are annoyed at me speaking about it over and over again. This is life, I will survive, we will get there!