Day 92 – in my thoughts

Saturday 13th October

I have been thinking a lot about Findley Today, I think it’s because my amazing sister in law is raising money in Findley’s honour, running her first half marathon tomorrow. I am beyond proud of her, I really wanted to go and see her finish, but I just can’t handle the thought of how busy it will be. I feel like I am almost letting Findley down not going to support Aileen.

I have also been allowing myself to imagine life with Findley here, as Halloween approaches, I keep thinking about what silly outfit I would dress him in, I recon it would have been a marvels character much to his father disappointment. Then that spirals my brain into what should have been his first bonfire night, Christmas, and new year. It hurts so much to think of these time without him, stolen movements. It hurts so much to think of all that is missing. It’s all those firsts again.

I find any opportunity possible to speak about Findley with James, we often discuss what he would be like, how we would have brought him up, reading him Harry Potter and listening to pop music, dancing around to stupid 80 songs.

It still make me so sad to think that James will never get to play football with him, tell him all about the farmers, the tractors and the different planes in the sky, and which car is the fastest. I have this image of our little boy sitting in his dads knee watching F1, I think I would have taught Findley to drive mind you.

I realised the other morning there are still friends of mine that don’t know Findley died, even after 12 weeks, it’s still hard to tell people. I don’t know if it will ever get easier.

My much loved, much wanted baby boy died, ouch!! It’s like a vicious circle too, I think about the future without him, then I think of the future with more family, but he still not here, nothing seems to take that deep down pain away, it is just much easier to control. Much easier to almost shelf in my brain. Although I can barely control it on that shelf. Like a half wound up jack in the box. I think as time goes on that’s the part I will be able to control better. I guess am just like a simmering pan, waiting for the moment I boil over, not sure when it will happen.

I have defiantly removed myself from people this last few weeks, I find myself ignoring text messages and phone calls, just happy with my own company. It’s not been the nicest of weather which has made it easier to just relax and chill out.

I booked tickets to go and see my friend in Malaga but as the the date approaches I realise I can’t go. I will go, but not next week, I think I will try go and visit James in Norway first. I am the most un spontaneous person ever and I am not sure why I decided to just book flights one night, it’s very unlike me, but I also think it’s a good thing that I even want to get away.

I just feel like I want to climb to the top of a big hill sometimes and shout . – F**k you life, and I miss you!! I have found myself when I have been out walking the dogs in the high winds just screaming when no one is around. No one can hear me and it always feel better afterwards.

Even 90 plus days in I still don’t think I want to do anything else in life now but be a mum and to mother my family. It sounds so stupid maybe, but it’s just what I want to do. It still scares me the though of mothering someone, what if I get it wrong what if I can’t cope, then I think I can cope with anything! I look forward to that day, it’s just how do you life in between now and then? How do you keep your motivation for things that just dot really interest you that much any more? I guess time will tell, I am definitely filling my days more, and I sleep better, I have less nightmares, and flash backs that I used to. I think I just continue to live each day as it come and goes. Try to make sure I am living for my beautiful family. They are my purpose, even if one of the three of us no longer live on this earth.

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