2557 day..

Todays run honestly felt like Findlay was with me at Bennachie, the butterfly’s floating up from the grass, and crossing in-front of me, the silence but the whisper of the trees and animals, the sun shining through the gaps in the trees, it was soo nice, I thought he would be proud of me, of being back on the trail, trying my hardest to enjoy and love life, it felt like he was telling me “you got this mum”

I still allow myself to wonder what life would be like if he was here, but its harder to imagine, its more fleeting thoughts of wow he would have just finished p2, wow we would have a 7 yr old.. but then i watch lewis and freya playing and I think how lucky i am to have them, and its days like today that makes me stop and smile ever harder at just how precious they are. How much Lewis makes me laugh .. at the same time as pull my hair out , how amazing their cuddles are, and i am very grateful for the life i live, and those who surround us.

Its sad that there are people who aren’t in our lives anymore, but then i keep my circle small, and I just dont have the energy for it. I think people come into your life at the right moment and some stay and other leave, but its not my job to chase them.

I feel very blessed for those who i have around me now, I don’t know how long they will stay, but they have helped me to start to focus on normality. Like i said when Freya arrived it really did feel like someone hit the play button, and i never pretend life is perfect because it most definitely is not, but I also feel that Findley dying blessed me with the life I have today.

So now i live for the day, not the future or the past, i am not in limbo wondering what next, i am not fighting a fight. I have learnt to accept what is here, and appreciate what I have. Make memories, and mistakes, but non the less live, even though my first born baby boy did not, he has allowed me to again.