Time heals all wounds

Funny saying “time heals all wounds” its a very common saying, that over time emotional pain lessons.. if someone had said to me 7 years ago.. yes SEVEN, i typed correctly, its mind blowing, that time will heal all wounds, i think i would have punched them square in the face.

However… I guess time has always been something that i have mentioned in my journey.. like time stood still, it felt like it stood still for years, just going in loops almost, reliving the pain of Findley dying, and then adding more Trauma over time, but never really feeling like time moved forward for me .. for the rest of the world time moved forward… and i just stayed.. and i dont know when or how but time has now moved on, and when i think of Findley, of being pregnant with him, of meeting him, of all the trauma I had to survive it hurts, like somewhere really deep down in my soul it hurt, but is it still consuming me? I don’t think it is.

Yes someone times I ever forget the pain, it live now without it controlling my life, its still there, it always will be, but it has its space now and its like that drawing with the circles and grief my bubbles definitely a lot smaller now, but always have the potential to grow.

I am proud of who i have become, i am proud of the battle i faced, and i am happy, life is good.. not perfect by far.. but just feel like a normal person with normal problem.

Then guilt creeps in, that i don’t include his name on card any more unless it close family and friends, and when people ask me how many kids i have, I dont always mention findley and i honestly dont know why, mostly because i gage who people are i think, and feel its not worth my time trying to explain it, or the reaction I have to listen to .. people saying their sorry.. emm thanks!

I still have flash backs but instead of the raw pain they bring me, its more like watching a move.. like am standing back and watching it happen rather than reliving it

I think honestly I am a peace with Findleys death which maybe sounds horrible but i think its healthy, I am at peace that it will always hurt hes not here, i allow myself to think and wonder what should be, am at peace that there will always be a part of my heart and soul missing.

So i guess time doesn’t “heal” all wounds, time allows us to process pain and suffering and learn how to live with it ..