I am at Peace

What a weird heading to write, I am a peace.

6 years ago I delivered my first daughter Robyn, after going to my reassurance scan and her dying hours later , shes was only 16 weeks so the experience was so very different from Findley, but the moment they wheeled me back into that room in 2023 I swear it felt like 2019 again. She was my rainbow after the storm, she was going to take all the pain of losing Findley away, but that wasn’t her story, and years later I would learn that not one person or thing would take away the pain of losing my children.

Grief is a funny thing, and the honest truth is we all deal so differently with it. I was consumed, it ruled my world, and loss after loss, parts of me dispersed. Even having Lewis, I still felt like the world owed me something, my wound and covid ruined my experience, my employment held tight to my happiness. Looking back should i maybe just have accepted that was my experience and it is what you make it? Or is it ok that somewhere someone was telling me its ok to be grateful but still want more?

Its taken me time to reflect and realise that the past years I have been so consumed with my own loss, that i was probably a pretty hard person to be around but you know something I am ok with that.. because lets face it, life was hard. I am not here on this earth to please others, I will not apologies for making others feel uncomfortable or for putting my own needs first.. but i am still here, and I am still me. Its take alot to stand your ground and even more so in this era, where to put your own needs ahead of others is labelled as selfish, or needy.

Grief is not a linear process, it’s a circle, forever changing, growing, shrinking and its not very predicable. I said the other day I feel like i have gone full circle, this last 7 years, for one reason or another that I don’t think this blog is the right place to expand on, its been a journey, anyway during a reiki session I kept seeing a closed door, with eyes behind it, and it made me sad, i kept asking myself, who have I closed the door on, why have i done this, how do I open the door.. i must open the door.. but I haven’t closed the door on my children, but I cant live in constant sadness, I cant live in what if, why me, poor me mode for ever, Freya arriving, the gift she was, and the brightness she added into our lives along side Lewis .. it, its impossible to put into words, and i am not healed, I still hurt, but I also accept that its ok to enjoy my life, its okay to not relive the trauma and tragedy. It is ok to be happy, to smile and laugh.

I want to help people and hope that if even one person stumble on this, desperately seeking to know what the future may hold, is there light after loss, will life ever be the same again… the answer is yes, life is forever changed, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, its about what you make it. I understand not everyone gets their happy ever after, but I did, and i have. It hurt that I had to survive the journey I did, but the strength that journey has given given me, the learning and growth, makes me who I am today, and I am at peace with that.

I no longer have the role of the victim, i chose the warrior, i chose happiness and love.

Robyn, and Findley and the other babies who I never got to meet ultimately helped make who I am today. So to the heavens i send my love and light , and i thank everyone who stood beside me and shared their light when it was so dark