A few weeks ago i realised it has been 7 years ago I found out i was pregnant with Findley… and life changed for ever.
It took 2 years to get lewis here safely, then another 4 to get Freya here safely.. and the time between then and now seems like a blur . Some times i think back at its like watching a movie but in my head, like all that could never have happened to me in the last 7 years. Life literally stood still and fast forward all at the same time.. i guess if you know you know..
I lost my baby, I lost my career, I lost countless friends, and I lost a little part of me, it makes you feel a little worthless…and am not going to lie I feel now i deserve a free pass, like just head straight to mayfair and build a hotel, but life still seem to like to mix it up. This week i had to put my cat to sleep, and deal with Freya and Bronchitis as well as the feral 4 year old waking up at 4am..2am..3am .. its ment to be the baby.. but i mean at least the glow clock works.. he doesnt get out if bed, no he just shouts from his room… mummy mummy.. and wheres daddy .. hes on holiday.. i mean working in Denmark, so solo parenting over here.. highly supplemented by nanny care 🤣
So I am sitting thinking you know what this shit is hard, i spent 7 years trying to complete my family to realise parenting is not for the faint of heart..Freya is a gem, shes so layed back, I mean people comment to me in how chilled out she is.. am like yeah she is.. as the Feral 4 year old is hanging off my leg like a monkey on a tree.. she literally has no choice, then everyone say ohhh girls are soo my much harder.. way to support a mum guys .. just lie they are not harder at all..
My point is, baby loss journey is hard, the parenting is hard , and i dont think people really talk about it, why.. probably because i should not “moan” about my precious children, of all people i should just be grateful and get on with it, but I just want to put it out there.. its hard and theres hard bits no one warns you about .. they sneak up on you like a ninja.. like you child saying .. but why.. .. emm because running around Tesco clothes isle like a escaped convict is not an acceptable way to behave in public.. and hiding from me in the clothes until i am starting to thing someone hast stolen you will lead to me then shouting at you.. oh no wait.. gentle parenting gentle parenting.. because if you continue to do that you will hurt yourself.. but why… honestly love him, he’s hilarious.
Basically spoiler life’s just hard, but its also what you make it, so what if it hectic, so what if my gentle parenting style leads to side ways looks in Tesco’s.. so what if i am not a prefect parent.. i have zero expectations of how I should be, I am qualified winging it, and you know what .. my child might have bit your child today.. but your child hit my child with a shovel 3 weeks ago so they are all just feral together 🤣🤣.
Honestly 7 years.. 7 years if living in a hamster cage, abs Freya my darling dearest girls you have absolutely freeed me , i always said Lewis would never ever know the healing he did, but Freya baby go your another level.. dont get me wrong.. lifes still hard, I often think of my babies, i often feel guilty for bot giving my last angel boy a name or the love and care after he was born Findley and Robyn got , but weather its right or its wrong, I life a little less in the what ifs, and a lot more in the what next ❤️ and when i do look back at photos of Findley I spend alot more time thinking a out how lucky I am that soo many people met him, and cuddled him and speak his name.
So heres to the what next, heres to surviving parenting living children and not feeling guilty to admit.. its hard.. there is no manual to this chapter either
Still Born Findley's Story 
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