Ashes to Ashes

21st July 2024

I remember the moment i hit post on this ⬆️, it took me the whole journey home from buckie crematorium to write it, its like it wasn’t real if everyone didnt know, we had kept it very private, in a world were it didn’t happen if it wasn’t on social media.. it still bring a tear to my eye, seeing all the memories of my social media friend raising a glass to Findley..

When i think back to this, i realise how numb i actually was still.. it all happened to fast, i really didnt want Findley to be laying in his tiny coffin for any more time than he had to, thats not where he should have been, she should have been on my chest, or in his cot next to me, he shouldn’t have been alone in a cold room. It really was the biggest driver for us choosing not to have a postmortem, the thought of him in the hospital mortuary with all those other souls scared me, and I knew there would be evil there residing and i didn’t want him exposed.. I sound crazy but it all makes sense in my head.

Walking away from him that day leaving him in the crematorium, was one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life, but I knew it was only his tiny body I was leaving and i would carry him with me forever, I guess you can image it, in any which way you want to , I am a great believe in everyone having the right to their own faith.

Surprisingly I didnt have the same connection to Findley ashes, they have sat under my TV untouched for nearly 6 years..it wasn’t hard to open the tube and scatter them into the wind.. it was magical to watch the wind swirl and dance them away into nothingness .. we always laughed his ashes were 75% teddies … but he was still in there with them. I found the experience of scattering them cathartic, like another ending of some sort, its not like you can close the door on you child dying, like I have always said its how you learn to forgive, forgive yourself, others, and realise were the blame sits, and move forward, its not about forgetting…letting go of the anger at myself and others definitely allowed me to grieve and process.. I honestly don’t know if people who have never experienced child loss can really comprehend the journey as its one of those things that are too hard to allow yourself to imagine, and although it is not a competition, loss is loss, having experienced loss at full term and every other stage of pregnancy, its very different holding your full term still born child, and saying hello and goodbye in the same moment.

Its like i cant fathom how you survive losing a living child, and will not allow myself to think of how painful that is, I said hello and good bye in a very small window, but maybe the fact that I only have the memories i work so hard to make, makes it a little easier .. i don’t know, and I never want to know..

I digress slightly, scattering Findley ashes was an incredibly beautiful experience, and it was so special that Lewis carried his ashes the 2.5miles to Craigshannoch.. it wasnt ever even on my list if places to scatter his ashes, I wanted Oxencraig or Watchcraig but as I got to Craigshannoch and looked across at Oxencraig it all of a sudden felt like the right place to be ❤️. It was special to have friends and family with us, I am struggling to forgive those who couldn’t make the time to join us, which is strange, as those who were unable to make it due to other commitments or illness I was ok with.. its probably because it the same people who never appear to be bothered.. and its very hard to process when I am welcoming then into a very special part of our lived and asking them to be part of making these memories.

We has a toast with some Moet and I welcomed everyone who wanted to, to say a few words, I always love to hear what people have to say, share, about Findley as all who met him had their own journey, and I find it oddly comforting he changed and touched so many peoples lives … James, Lewis and me scattered the ashes, it was cute Lewis asked is he could do it too, I know he has no idea the significance of what he was doing but what does that matter.

It was a beautiful day, and we ended it with another lovely visit to kildrummy for a meal ❤️.. I almost felt like scattering Findelys ashes gave him the opportunity to pop back to see us again, again sounds probably very strange, but he was definitely there in that moment..

I would never wish child loss on my worst enemy, its probably one of the most painful things to experience in life, but I can’t bring myself to understand those who were part of his life, that have already appeared to have forgotten him in the 6 years… it hurt and angers me so much that people care so little for him. I completely understand life is busy, and that although his death changed our lives forever, for most of the other in his journey it was just a moment in time, and they don’t live with the pain and loss daily, but I still find in this day and age, how simple it is to send an online card, or a text, whats app or message of some description its is disrespectful and hurtful to not take that time to do so…. And why I hate social media, as people have time to post there but not time to remember… I dont care if its late, or early or you says am sorry I forgot, but just plain nothing ness hurts…sigh 😞.. I know I shouldn’t waste my energy, but I feel like if I shared with the world how it makes me feel, other who maybe stumble across this blog may understand other family’s better in this situation but also it lets me share my feelings on the situation.

However I dont want to make this about me…

Once the say had passed and the celebrations were over I took Rosie for a walk on Thursday morning, only to realise that we can see Craigshannoch from our house, as I walked along the road it just dawned on me, how could have i never noticed before it before.. so it was absolutely ment to be where those ashes were to be scattered ❤️

Next time you walk up there, I welcome you , weather your met him or not, to take a minute to think of our precious first born baby boy, and i will leave you with that special peom i read that day 6 years ago… when we says till we meet again 💕