6 Years….

15th July 2024

Its been 6 year since that day, the day I thought.. something isnt right, the day I walked into Westburn, to hear those words “am so sorry, your baby has died” . No one will ever understand the feeling and emotions that this brings, it isn’t and never will be acceptable to say goodbye before you say hello… but how lucky I was to have been privileged to say hello to our special baby boy.

Its it a bad thing that it hurts less… dose that mean I care less, or it didnt matter? Or is is just that time dose eventually start to heal? I feel a slight guilt that I hadn’t build today up, and infact it was social media memories reminding me that, its was 6 years ago today the Journey all began. I thought it must be a glitch it not that date already. I wonder if its a coping strategy or is it that I am allowing myself to experience happiness and accepting that yes sad things happen but it doesn’t mean you have to love in the dark forever.

Today starts or week of remembrance, remember Findley, I feel I have the strong attachment as we had our own special relationship, and I had secrate giggles and times with him that no one else got to experience. Summer is always a time for reminiscing for me.

All those hopes and dreams taken away in one short sentence, but laying right here next to me, and just down the hall, are all those hopes and dreams, life is manic, its a whirlwind, I am right on the back of 3 weeks of single parenting… is it a distraction, or is it that life now just feels right? Freya and Lewis fill my heart to bursting, I often will just cry at the thought of how lucky and blessed I am, how full of joy life is.. yes my hope and dreams were taken from me, but we made more, and we fought hard to achieve them and here we are enjoying them. I never thought I would be complete, and maybe a little bit of me will always be missing, but I truly feel like right now I am where I am meant to be.

I do wonder if it helps that Lewis is now old enough to start to understand that he has an older brother, he says things to me like, “can we go see Findley”, “I want to go to Heaven to see Findley” and “Findleys my big brother”. We drive past the cemetery where his memorial is, and Lewis now recognises it. Maybe it gives me peace that I know his memory will continue now with my beutiful living children, his name will continue to be heard, his story will not be forgotten.

Freya brought a-lot of her own healing with her, I wonder if she was sent as a special gift just to allow me to experience what a true new born stage is really like.. there has been no drama, no hospital admission, I have gotten to really experience what I imagine everyone else does when they give birth to their children.. yes their is chaos, yes there are tears, yes it is hard but my heart is full…it feels all very “normal”.

Ultimately Findley is the reason we are now so happy, without him I wonder what life would have been like? He tough me so much, how to care, love and cry, to appreciate all that life brings, and for the amazing people that enter it, weather its for a short time or a long time. He made me realise how worthy I am, and how I owe no one. I have a right to be loved, respected and cherished.

Without Findley I don’t even think we would have Lewis and Freya, and they aren’t replacements, they are our life.

So I guess yes time really does heal, along with time comes understanding, the ability to process, forgive, forgive myself and forgive those who missed my precious baby boy dying right before their eyes. However having my living children has been a very big part of this, and it all makes sense, that yearning to fill those empty arms was so overwhelming, and although I though Lewis filled them, I never realised that we also needed Freya.

Gosh i must sounds completely crazy to people reading this, I think it very hard go write down all these thoughts and feelings, its also very hard to manage the guilt that comes with being able to say.. it huts less ❤️ but it still hurts.

Ultimately having Freya has given us a lot of closure, and I continue to close doors on part of our journey that I kept open waiting for the-jigsaw to be completed .. feeling a sense of completion with it beings peace

I hope this week we do Findley proud we have some very special plans with some very special people. After what seems like a life time of pain and challenges, there is light and laughter filling our lives.