Healing ❤️‍🩹

I hate this part, i hate the physical recovery from loss … it’s a constant reminder that i am no longer pregnant, and i don’t need it. It can kindly fuck off.

Honestly i have done everything i can to try and avoid feeling this shit, including looking at selling my house (which i quit quickly realised i cant afford), but I have run out of reason to distract myself, so now i have to grieve.. i hate grieving something i never had, its impossible.. when you grieve the loss of a physical person then its easier, you have memories and photos and stories to share and laugh and cry over. With baby loss you are grieving the loss of hope really, the fact i hoped i was taking this baby home, but now i am not.. and as the rest of the world keeps turning, and everyone deals with their own problems, woes, worries, my world is at a stand still.

I wish I could give up on the final bit of the jigsaw be happy with what i have. be grateful for the love and light i have around me, but then the thought of missing that opportunity of that last but of jigsaw always seems too much…. So what if we never get it.. i will know i will have done my best..

I have no worldly idea why we have had this journey, 10 pregnancies, 1 adorable living child, but we have, and i see other so many other have easy straightforward journeys.. i am green with envy, however i would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. I hoped one day it would all make sense but i dont think it ever will, not i this world anyway.

I listened back go my visit to Maureen in March 2019, it was strange how much more sense it made, she tells me no to give up hope, that all will be ok. She tells me about her daughter in law who had many miscarriages when n between he two kids. I never ever though i would get Lewis here, and i did, the universe has some weird path for us, but am here to tell it, am up for its challenge, I will survive… we will survive this as we have been through much worse.

What I need right now is all the love and light that the world can offer me.. ❤️..

Love to all the babies in the stars and our hesrts ❤️❤️‍🩹⭐️🌟💫

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