Dajavu ⚠️trigger ⚠️

It felt a bit of a dajvu being back in rubislaw taking the medication, February 2019 was in my mind, but i just wanted it over with.

James went home and i stayed overnight, its too much of a trigger going home for me, it brings back the memories of Findley that tome between death and meeting him. So i stayed, morning came and i buzzed for some pain killers, and a familiar voice entered the room. I wasn’t 100% sure as with masks its impossible to tell, but she said no problem left.. shortly after she returned, and i heard the voice again, then i double checked her name badge, it is you, i said to her, yes it is, and i felt so grateful it was the same midwife who had been there the night i had found out Findley had died, she new me, she said she wasn’t sure how i would feel it being her, and she was so sorry for all my losses since Findley she had no idea the journey we had been on. She relayed the night and said she would never forget it, she remembered it was zandra in with me and James had a flight to catch the next morning for an interview. I couldn’t believe she remember us, but felt grateful she did and it felt like real empathy.

We decided we didn’t want to meet this baby, and feel guilty writing that but i cant have another anniversary to celebrate, another star in the sky to send cards to, i just needed to treat this as a miscarriage. The meds soon started to work, regular pain killers helped but soon i was in agony, I was so sore i asked for morphine but it took just too long to get, I couldn’t remember how painful it was with Robyn but i remember it being sore.

Then just like that I knew without even knowing it was time, i asked James to buzz for help and went to the bathroom, unfortunately the midwife i knew had finished for the day and it was someone else, and i was terrified, so scared that all i could think how scared i was. The midwife was wonderful and a 1st year 1st placement student was amazing too. Eventually i felt ready go stand up, and as i did, i turned and saw my tiny baby, just a glimpse before the midwife hide it from me. My heart… a tiny but of my heart was there. Am so so sorry, am so sorry i couldn’t bring you safely into this world.

I could tell the midwife was worried about me, she wanted my blood pressure , i asked about he placenta but she didn’t know, she didn’t work in rubislaw normally, so she took baby away, and asked the student to take my blood pressure but then i had to go back to the bathroom and this time it was the placenta, i was so scared it would be like Robyn’s and come in bits but they said it was in one bit.

I got back to bed and as quick as my pain had started it was gone, and i took a deep breath it was over… it was done.

I felt instant relief that although if wasn’t the birth i had hoped this baby it, it was done. The waiting was over.

After the morphine and the other cocktail of drugs i was so done, but my bleeding was still really heavy which freaked me out. Thankfully after a few hours it eased and some diazepam helped me get to sleep.