Death Row .. ⚠️Trigger ⚠️

3rd February 2023

I have been so so proud of myself this pregnancy, I have taken each day at a time, and at my twelve weeks scan i actually got a little excited and hopeful. I shared with friends and family but decided to not let Lewis know. Hes to little to understand yet.

I took a reaction to one of the drugs around 10 weeks so that was stopped but continued on steroids and blood thinners. My skins still a mess a month on but hey its worth it right…

Yesterday we had our 14 weeks scan, and my anxiety was high as always on scan days, ignorance is bliss, however i wouldnt say that i was worried worried. We walked in to our consultants scanning room, lay down and i away she says theres baby …..but then that silence followed .. i squeezed my husband’s hand … he didn’t respond he new too.. the silence continued.. until those words were said, i am so so sorry.. an i looked up a the screen and there the most perfect scan photo, still as you like with no heart flicker…

I just went numb.. what the actual fuck.. i had let my hopes and dreams run away thinking all would be fine. All 3 of us sat there for a minute in silence and my consultant asked to rescan me, i think she was in much shock as i was, so i lay back down and she scanned me again. I knew she hadn’t made a mistake, thats not a mistake she would make, but she needed go make sure for herself.. then it hit me.. shit we are 14 weeks, shit we have to go through what we did with Robyn.. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck …

We left the scanning and walked to Rubislaw and it just felt like walking down death row to my doom at the end .. then you remember that really people on death row, only have to do the walk once.. forget all the miscarriages and the early scans this was the third time we were in the late loss suites ..pick which on..

So I have had the first lot of drugs just waiting for the next then hopefully all goes smoothly and we can go home soon.

I am so so grateful for Lewis our miracle he is so grounding and shows the foght is worth if

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