Wednesday 25th October
So I came to Norway, just for a few days, I didn’t really know what I was doing until I was sitting in Aberdeen airport thinking shit!! It felt nice on Sunday dropping James off at the airport knowing I would be seeing him again in just one moe sleep.
The last time I was in the airport I was 6 months pregnant coming home from Dubai , I miss the innocence of those days. Someone said that in the sands forum the other day, loosing a child is like having your innocence stolen. Things are much easier when you don’t know the hurt there is out there.
So I panicked originally then I though I can do this. I am only here for two days and 3 nights, I didn’t want to be away for too long. However it refreshing being away from the hurt and pain, there is no reminders here of my loss, it’s all new, new memories with old pain. I have though about Findlay since I have been here, but not as much as if I had been at home I don’t think. He definitely here with me, he’s part of me.
It’s nice to be away and not worry about bumping into anyone I might know. I have complete control here, James is at work during the days so I have been out adventuring. To be honest the first day I didn’t go far, just the local shopping mall and back, but it’s rather a massive achievement in my book. Today I have come into Stavanger city centre myself, on a bus, massive achievement. One of my coping mechanic it seems to be having my head phones in, yesterday I had music on, today I don’t I just have them in. I guess it means if someone does try to speak to me I can pretend I can’t hear them and it’s not too rude. I can also get away with being a tourist. It’s very much like home here weather wise. I kinda wish I had a bike to go on. It’s nice and safe and I can understand now why people may find it easier to return to a job where no one knows them. Much easier just to hit reset and carry on with life hiding away the pain that having to face it every day.
I went out for tea with Adam and James last night and we laughed so hard at Adam. I can’t remember the last time I laughed without feeling guilty. Last night I never once felt any guilt. I spoke about Findley and more family, I did I guess maybe hold back the tears but all and all it’s not so bad.
Speaking about more family, we have now past the time our consultant asked us to wait, so we can start trying again. I hate having to try again, I wish it was like a magic pill. You spend years trying not to get pregnant only to then spend years trying to get pregnant. It’s a mixture of emotion being at this stage. Excited, scared, worried, all in all I feel like my body is a shit, and will never allow us to be happy or to keep our family safe. I don’t think this is particularly uncommon, it’s all just a bag of emotion and worry. However I refuse to not have hope, that when the time if right it will happen again for us.
I did think the other day, if we don’t add to our family, will it be enough for me. I have always dreamt of a family. I wondered if just James, Findley and I would be enough. I wasn’t truly sure, until I though about not having James, then I realised, I can’t live without James, so yes the answer is it is enough, but it would be amazing to add more.
Until then I am trying to move life forward and enjoy the small things. You defiantly have more respect for life after loss.