Monday 20th August
The nursery is starting to become a constant reminder of what should be. I don’t want to get rid of any thing because then am I giving up on what I want it to be and he future?
This morning I had an amazing Skype call with Jodie in Australia, I have spoken about her in other blogs. She is also a mummy to an angel baby. Speaking to her today was just fantastic, we spoke for over an hour about our babies and our journey. It’s so nice to speak to someone who has been through what I have, only another mummy would truly understand this journey. Our journey is also very similar, although she is nearly a year ahead of us. It’s nice to hear her hope, but also hear her grief. She truly understood what I had to say.
I had my 6 week (although I am only 5) postpartum check up at the Doctors today, it’s the first time I have been to the Health centre since Findley has died so it’s another first. When I walked in the reception was empty and the receptionist is standing speaking to colleagues in the back of the office, I stay there for what feels like forever waiting for her to open the little sliding window so I could tell her I was there and sit down before someone else came in. It got unnecessarily angry at this complete strange for making me stand there and wait in this uncomfortable situation. I still am not used to this social anxiety in completely normal situation. She finally opens the little window and I head to sit down. am so glad of two things, one it’s not busy, and two my GP isn’t running late.
As soon as I walk into the GPS room I am yet again frozen, I can’t find the words I am looking for, it seems strange saying I am there for a postpartum check up, but I have no baby with me. my GP knows What happens and she has had my recent discharge letter from Rubislaw open on her computer. I am really happy with how my appointment goes once I manage to get the words out for why I am there. She tells me I am doings well and I can start getting back to my running etc as long as I listen to my body. She’s much more interested in my mental health than my physical health. It’s the first time in a long time I have felt like a doctor has listened to what I have to say.
I have a so so afternoon out for lunch with Mum and James I find speaking about normal life exhausting. Everyone else problems seems so pointless versus what has happened to us.
I spend a lot of the afternoon thinking about a rainbow baby. I wonder, hope and pray that we will have more family one day. I spend a lot of time googling and reading stories about successful rainbow babies. I know three people who have rainbow babies alone and two more with their rainbows on the way. Its hard to think one day we will have a little screaming baby in our arms with how we feel just now.
I visited Findley’s memorial this evening after walking the dogs, James is away at football, as I walk along the path through the trees I think how horribly sad it is that I have to do this. I feel like I have aged 30 years as I walk along. Once I am there I sit on the grass and have a cry, I tell Findley am sorry am not very good at gardening my little car planter is looking a little sorry for it’s self. I wonder who has been up and left some flowers for my little boy. As I sit there I just run my memories of Findley through my head, you know like film when when you fast forward, I flash from the moment I realised he was growing in my tummy right to moment I held him in my arms. I imagine if someone else could see inside my head it’s like someone flicking fast through a picture book.
When I leave I continue going back and forth through my picture book as I sit in the car and listen to Findleys CD, am not ugly crying but I am crying I run my tummy and apologise that I just couldn’t keep him safe. It’s okay. I haven’t cried yet today. I remind myself I am not the only women on this earth who has lost her child. Their are many others out there sitting feeling the same as me.
The grief circle that how my GP explained grief, that circle is always around you just sometimes it’s bigger and other days it’s smaller. Mine is one big massive circle at the moment some days it gets smaller then it gets bigger again. My heart still breaks almost every day, but the pain doesn’t last as long when it does surface.
I guess I will always feel pain for the heart break we have suffered, like everyone else who has lost someone close to them.
It’s a new week so I guess I should have a new mission. Speaking to Jodie this morning really made me think about what I really want from life. This weeks mission is to allow myself time to follow my dreams.
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